Pour real life down on me

Bruised but not broken

2010-09-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

The last few months have really been interesting. Ill do the bullet points because really.....its just too much to take in any other way.

Kelly moved back in for about a month
she then found an apartment and moved out (lots of drama with her thinking her car was getting keyed while she was at my house and things...she was miserable to be around and I was glad when she left)
she has asked to come back because she got evicted....Ive told her no
Kelly moved back in with her sister
I let her visit for one day (only because she just showed up at my work) and thats the day I realized I couldnt take it anymore (she had crack pipe burns on her arm, she had lost weight, she tricked her dr into giving her more pain meds, she was off her psych meds, and she sat on my couch and cried for an hour. PLUS she tried to have sex with me and got really mad when I told her no)
I have cut her out of my life completely (no talking, no texting, no nothing - she didnt take it well)
the Top I was talking to has disappeared - she got beat up by someone she took home and is (I assume) still recovering
I decided not to wait around for her
I joined a womans kink group called MOB (membership is still pending lol)
After lots of heartache and searching I think Ive found someone else *crosses fingers*

Wow that was a quick sum up of 5 months. Its been eventful, heartbreaking, and painful but Ive survived it.

Interestingly, Ive only just realized how much Kelly has really scarred me. I find myself freaking out and playing games when I NEVER DID THAT BEFORE! What is going on with me?! I know in my heart that I trust this new person but I cant stop crazy thoughts from flashing through my mind. Damn you Kelly......what have you done to me? I really really hope I can overcome this because I dont want to drive this new person away. I think its good that I realize what Im doing but I need to make sure I keep myself under control (not an easy thing for me to do when I start falling for someone).

The other thing I should probably mention about this new relationship is that it is a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. Crazy....I know. I went searching for a Top (someone who would set up "play dates" and then leave and we go about our lives) and found a potential Mistress (my heart actually stopped before I typed that - in a panicky way). Sometimes I sit back and think, "what the hell are you doing?!" and then other times I think "this is where I should be".

Another yr older....

2010-04-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

So I am officially 27.

um.....I never thought Id get to the point where I wasnt looking forward to birthdays anymore....but thats the point Im at this year.

I think Ive given up on that dom. Im not sure if I posted this or not but she started talking to me again. She claimed that her ex had taken her phone away from her and she said she was sorry....but she still has yet to come back at me with a date to meet. Whatever, thats fine....but I am quickly reaching the end of my patience.

So this is my dissillusioned & cranky happy birthday wish to myself.

Kendall

2010-04-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

So I have decided that Kendall is my Peter Pan.

I dont want to be Wendy...but I dont have a choice. I cant NOT grow up.

She wants to continue to be a kid for as long as she can....and she leads her merry band of lost boys with her. I wish I was joking. She has found her ring leader, Kyle, and they pretend to be in high school still....even though were getting closer and closer to 30 (I think Kendall actually hit it this year). They find people like dumpster Mike and Billy and Fish who wish they could relive that time in their life too....and all they do is sit in Pennys house and drink.

Even with as much as she is trying to....Kendall cant NOT grow up either. She is getting divorced, which we all knew was inevitable, but is also a rather grown up thing to do. Well, the divorce part of it...not the breaking up with someone part of it. She wanted Kevin to be Fish and when he wasnt.....well...... Fish is engaged now to someone that Kendall used to look up to and aspire to be like. She used to tell me about Shannon and how she shaped so much of herself based off her. I wonder how much their engagement is killing her...but then thats the joys of Kendall....even if you asked her she would never admit that it hurts her. To be honest, I dont think Kendall even admits it to herself.

For as long as I can remember Ive wanted to be an adult. Now that Im here....well....Im not sure what to do with myself.

Kendall was my best friend for years....and now I havent spoken with her in over a year. Its sad really. I miss my friend.

high ramblings

2010-04-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

So here I am....thinking about that fucking dom again. I just cant get her out of my mind.

It drives me crazy that for 2 months I had someone....who told me she would do every fantasy Ive ever had....or ever even thought of having and now shes just gone. For no reason. With no explanation.

I have, in my high state tonight, come up with a new theory for why I got dropped like a hot potato. She kept saying how messed up her life was....and how everything seemed to be going wrong (things did seem to keep happening...a string of very bad luck). I wonder if she thought I was the cause of all her problems. I never discussed with her if she was religious or superstitious but at least this give me an explanation as to why I would get dropped so suddenly.

Flooding

2010-04-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ive been meaning to post my pathetic flooding pictures. This is nothing compared to a few of my friend in Rhode Island who actually had to evacuate their apartment due to flooding (theyre still not bad in yet....the eta is Wed to finally move back in)

I swear this woman was going to lose her car at some point....I still dont know why she didnt move it.

So throwing away my trash has been an adventure....I dont own rain boots.....and that green thing in the middle of the pond that used to be the parking lot is the dumpster. Fun times.

Weakness in me

2010-04-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

So I let her come back ....but just to stay for a few days (definitely NOT permanently- I like having my apartment to myself too much)

I think I let her back because Im kind of heart broken about this dom. I realize that I am not allowing myself to feel it...either because of denial or because I guarded my heart well this time. Either way - I know Im upset about it and my pride definitely hurts. The sad thing is I feel like I keep going back to kelly because of it.

The whole thing makes me think of this song:
Why do you come here
When you know Ive got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know I cant answer the phone

And made me lie
When I dont want to
Make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool
Make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me

Oh Hell No

2010-04-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

What. The. Fuck.

Yup I dont even know what else to say to this:
(background story: I called Kel on easter because I wanted to see her again. When she called me back hours later I could tell she was high. She claimed she was drunk and out at a bar...but come on - a bar on easter? at 2 am? yeah right.)

Apr 6, 2010 11:05 AM
Whats up?
Can I come home for a month or so
Steph i know your mad at me but you need to let up a little and call me or text me. I know you miss me. So please lets not play the not talking game.

All of those were from her....randomly this morning.
I cant decide to respond with ...."fuck you", "hell no", "I dont want your drama anymore", "go try one of your other whores because thats how youve decided to treat me", or just not respond at all.

The more I think on it...the more baffled I am. Not even an apology. Nothing. She has such big balls.

I wonder when shes being evicted.
Another bridge shes burned.

twitter

2010-04-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

*warning*
Im in a mood today....so Im going to swear more than usual. (This is what it sounds like to talk to me usually)

Ok so I created my twitter account....mostly to follow certain celebs (*cough*lindsay*cough*lohan*cough*samantha*cough) but dont tell anyone I know because Ill deny deny deny it.
Anywaaay - so I actually found a real life friend on there....and now the anonimity that I so adored with twitter is gone. I cant make my posts sappy, pathetic, and stupid like I was doing before....I actually have to think about what Im posting and try to be witty. Damn. Too much work for me. Thank god for blogger because I know that noone reads this damn thing.

So the top I was talking to went on vacation for a week...and now I havent heard from her since (its been 2 weeks). I figured with the holiday that she was probably busy but I dont know now. The only reason Im hesitatant to give up on her was because she was fucking perfect. She was exactly what I was looking for....and I had even met her and KNEW I liked her. Sigh.

Then Kelly....who has been in and out of my life/apartment since we broke up. First she would stop by for a day, then two, then three, then a week....now she got paid so I havent heard from her since then. When am I going to stop letting her use me?! I think Im just a sucker for someone who can say "I love you". I blame my parents. I dont think I heard it enough as a kid. Its so easy to blame them. (on a side note - that the exact reason that I dont want kids. No matter how hard you try or how good of a parent you are - your kids still resent/blame you)

I am ok living on my own when I have shit to distract me....I had that top and W.O.W. to distract me for a while but now Im back on that slippery slope into depression. I hate this feeling.

Ready

2010-03-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for Kelly to go home. She has stayed for 3 nights and I feel like Ive gone backwards. I got all pissy with her because she was at my house and then went and played WOW for the night.

I'm getting frustrated with my dom but I'm not sure how to approach it. I know where I stand (she has a kid and she is taking care of her grandmother who is 88) and its at the bottom of the priority list....I'm sort of OK with that because Ive known for a while that shes a busy person. Now comes the frustration part - we've been talking for a little over a month now (my post was put up on cl on feb 8th) and in that time Ive met her once for little little less than an hour. Yup. A month and shes managed to squeeze me into her life for less than a hour. Granted its not for lack of trying (I will give her that). She has made plans with me twice that she has had to cancel either because of family issues or because her babysitter bailed out on her. Its still frustrating. I'm torn between wanting to tell her it has to happen soon and wanting to give her the space and time that I know she needs. I do have to say I have been so much better about dealing with my anticipation and frustration when I don't hear from her for hours at a time....which I think in some weird way shows either maturity or a new ability to guard my heart.

So that brings me to another fear - I'm kind of worried that I might start to fall for her. Ive always been a sucker for 1.) older women 2.) intelligence 3.) confidence and 4.) being in touch with their sexuality. This woman fits the bill on everything.

I got this message from her the other day:
"I want those images to be your last thought at night and your first in the morning. I want them to crowd your dreams and distract your days"
I said something here about what she said being poetic
"I believe that words, when used well, are very powerful. Really, its words that have drawn you in. Words that have held you...."

God damn how can you NOT fall for something like that....

I need to lose weight.

Sex sex and more sex

2010-03-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

So I feel like Ive been hyper-sexual lately....

Kelly came over on Sunday and we pretty much spent the last 2 days fucking....

I dont want to get back together with her but it was so nice to have that comfort and that fun of sleeping with someone you know well....plus the dom/top/mistress that Ive been talking to has backed out of our first play session twice now.

Ive also been obsessed with Nina Hartley....I find her sooooo attractive. Shes incredibly smart and she likes dominating women.....shes the perfect bed mate.

Ok so I still cant believe that I posted an add for a dom.....I was so high when I did it that Im surprised my add even made sense. Im not saying that I hadn't thought about being dominated but I probably never would have posted an add if I weren't inebriated. Maybe its a good thing.

Wow its been a while....

2010-03-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

So my life has been kind of crazy (whos hasnt tho right?) I guess Im just a little self absorbed like that (plus no one reads this but me anyway lol)

Lets recap....

Kelly has moved out completely. I revamped my apartment on my week vacation to remove any mark of hers that I could.

I am actually OK with being alone.

I have decided to conquer my fear of therapists and try and find one to talk to.

I decided to dabble in BDSM (yea it hasnt work out so far).

I got twittered my Nina Hartley - Yes I am obsessed.

I am still obsessed with the song Gravity (see previous post).

I quit the guild Hells Crusaders (WOW reference).

Beautiful Day

2009-11-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

Ok so its actually a really pretty fall day today - granted that could be because Im inside (Ive heard its really cold out there) and all I can see are great big windows.

Ok, its 4:30pm and ITS ALREADY DARK! Seriously?! I dont remember it getting this dark this early....sigh.

Gravity

2009-11-15T11:46:00.000-08:00

By: Sara Bareilles
(New Song Obsession!)

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

If wishes were horses...

2009-11-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so Im supposed to meet the next person I date this month. I am also (according to tarot cards) supposed to meet her either thru her work or mine.

This has actually caused me a little bit of stress. If I meet her through my work then thats cool - easy - I hand my business card to every lesbian that comes in (no Im not hitting on them...I just like the potential of more business or friends or w/e)

So for the next girl I date - please dont let me meet you thru your work if you are a:
1) Police Officer
2) OBGYN
3) Disaster Relief Help
4) Statie
5) Hospital Worker/Nurse/Doctor
6) EMT

I was right again

2009-11-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

So not to brag...but

when Kelly started hanging out with her sister again I told her that her sister was still into drugs. But noooooooo kelly didnt want to believe me.
I told her it wasnt a good idea
I told her not to move in with her
I told her she was no good for her and that she would use her
I told her that her sister dosent actually give a shit about her - all she wants her for is her money
I told her so
I TOLD HER SO

So I get home last night and Kelly was making dinner. She had asked if she could spend the night at the apartment because "she wanted to spend some time with tofu" - fine whatever. I dont really care. I look on the coffee table and theres a tub of vicks vapo rub on the table. So I ask her why its there. Her immediate responce is my nose hurts. OK Im not an idiot I know her nose hurts. So I ask WHY does it hurt. She immediately lies to me - "I must be coming down with a cold" (*cough*bullshit*cough*). So I tell her I know shes lying. I know how she is when she comes down with a cold and she wasnt acting sick at all. So after repeating myself three times - she comes clean and tells me what I already knew.

How long till my luck runs out?

2009-11-03T10:15:00.001-08:00

So I realize in the course of my lifetime Ive been lucky. Ive had two people fall in love with me...to the point that I knew that those two people would never leave me. Those are the same two people that I have left.

First was my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for 5 yrs and panicked when he decided he was going to propose to me.

Second is Kelly. If I hadnt left her she never would have left me. I know this....

So my question is - will this ever happen again? I assume there is a limit to the number of people who will fall in love with you during your lifetime....and I wonder what my max number is.

So Kelly is still living at my apartment but only for now. She told me she will be out by friday. I keep telling her that I would rather have her stay with me till she finds a place of her own....but she has started talking to her low life dead beat sister again so her sister has convinced her to move in with her. I keep telling kelly shes going to get depressed if she stays there - plus her sister will take everything she has and never even think twice about it. Kelly has actually aquired some kind of nice stuff in the year or two she hasnt talked to her sister (granted I bought it all for her - but whatever). I just need to let go....let go....let go....

Today November 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009 Kelly and I are no longer domestic partners. (I have always like the way that sounds...but have never actually gotten a chance to use that phrase - so I will today) She went down to the courthouse in cambridge and unregistered us and then called and had my insurance canceled.

Im taking a trip...a guilt trip.

2009-10-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

Oct 28, 2009 1:09PM - I have to say im a little sad today knowing that next week im not going to see your beautiful face everyday. :-(

Oct 28, 2009 5:16PM - I have to go to the doctors on friday ill stop by there on my way back. Did you remember the paperwork? My stomach turns everytime i write that.
(shes refering to our domestic partnership termination paperwork - which I only agreed to because she needed insurance at the time)

My decision for the end

2009-10-28T07:18:00.001-07:00

So a few months ago I went to a party at my friend Pop Icons house (his real name is Marc). While there I got a card reading from a guy (Raven) that everyone at that party swore by. I have never really put much stock in tarot card readings before....probably because Ive had some really shitty ones in my day (for example I had one done in Ptown when I was younger and that lady told me I was going to work with kids someday - yeah right). I know what everyone says about "fortune tellers" - that they look for your reactions to things and they tell you what you want to hear *cough*johnedwards*cough*. So I decided I was going to walk into this reading with a poker face. Yup I wasnt going to give a damn thing away and I just wanted to see what this guy could possibly come up with. So we sit down and he asks me if I have any specific questions for the universe. Ah ha! Trick #1....he wants me to give something away!! So I play all nonchalant...nope nothing I want to know about. He starts laying cards on the table and guessing by the artwork on the cards I should have been dead and decaying about 2 weeks ago. So he starts telling me that I am moving into a calmer time in my life, that I am not happy in the relationship I am in, that the person Im with right now is a liar and "probably dosent believe half the shit that comes out of her mouth". I was also told that I would come into some trouble with the law in the next 7 weeks (I ended up going to court with Kelly cause she was being sued by a dentist) and that if I didnt take care of breaking up with Kelly now that she could hang around for another 2 years! He also told me that I would meet a leo in November either through her work or through mine and that she would ask me out pretty quickly.

So mystery lady - I should meet you sometime after next week!

Maybe this card reading was crap...maybe Ill be alone for the next 30 years of my life...maybe Ill fail miserably at being alone....and maybe this is was the best decision I could have made. Either way - this event gave me the strength to break up with Kelly once and for all.

So thank you tarot card readings.

That brings us current. Kelly and I have broken up. She didnt pay rent last month and she said she will be out by the 3rd of next month. Im a little panicked about her leaving because to be honest - Ive never lived alone before ever. I moved from my parents house in with my boyfriend, dated and moved my next girlfriend in WITH my ex boyfriend, moved her out and started dating Kelly while he was still living with me, then he moved out and here we are. What if something happens to the dog while Im alone and I dont know what to do? What if I need to bring my car to the shop? What if I slip and fall and hurt myself? What if theres a spider? I havent had to kill a spider myself EVER. I realize that Im panicking about some weird things...but those are my fears.

So here I go....into the calmer period in my life....without Kelly.....this time shes moving out because of my choosing....

And so - the end. Again.

wow, insomnia, K, and misery

2009-09-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

so those are the 4 things have have dominated my life lately.

wow - yes world of warcraft has become my life....probably because Im trying to escape from my own
insomnia - is a product of wow. I get home, sleep (so I dont have to deal with K), wake up around 9:30, play wow till 5am, sleep, work, rinse, and repeat.
K - I have been trying to figure out how to make her break up with me for over a month now. I have tried the being distant and cold thing and she just wont leave!
misery - is a product of trying to make K miserable I am making myself miserable. Awesome idea right? Im still too chicken shit to tell her I dont want to be with her. Hopefully she gets the damn hint soon!

I dont know whats the matter with me lately. Ive been mean to pretty much everyone. Im pretty sure that it has something to do with lack of sleep, work stress, and K stress. They completely cut our comission so if K leaves I dont know if Ill make rent. If K stays Im going to continue to be miserable. what a catch 22.

I dont know how to end it either. Everyone is telling me just to grow balls and tell her its over. I cant. I dont know why. I want her to leave me. I dont want the responsibility. I mean....what if its the wrong decision. If she leaves then I can still take her back....if I leave her then its really over.

Bear week - Ptown

2009-07-13T08:40:00.001-07:00

So my friend B and I went to ptown for bear week (we only went the weekend)

Time to subject u to pictures!!!

Arriving In Ptown
(Pilgrim Monument)

Bear Weekend at the wave bar

At Vixen

(it was dead...but it was bear weekend)

At Ross' Grill

(great food btw - but our waitress sucked)

2009-04-26T09:17:00.001-07:00

This morning K went to a friends house for a psychic reading and a party. I don't put much stock in psychics. This one told her that she would buy an island (k had talked about how cool it would be to own your own island so that you can make all the rules that you want), that k was going to work for the state, that she wants and would get a baby (not if I have anything to say about it), and that she and I have been rocky and that we would break up. Ok so out of all of those crazy things the only one that has any chance of coming true is that she and I would break up. Not us breaking up (again) would be a big shock to anyone.

Twitter

2009-04-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ok so I found out that you can blog via text messages...thats dangerous.

I also found twitter. Im not sure how I feel about it yet but I figured since no one actaully reads my blog I can put my twitter page up there (and yes I AM following LiLo on twitter....)
http://twitter.com/torncreed

So after the best birthday party in the world I ended up with the worst cold. Ive been out of work for 5 days and Im finally back and ready-ish to work. I wish I could be independently rich and not have to work....sigh.

2009-04-22T01:12:00.001-07:00

K called and begged to come home about an hour after the last post. The party was the best I've ever had and went until 1 am. Then I got sick the next day and I've had a bad cold since then. Being sick is the worst.

2009-04-18T10:20:00.001-07:00

So k was throwing me a bday party today...but when I woke up she started a huge fight and left. Now I have to get ready for my own party by myself. I will never forgive her for this.

On the brain

2009-04-17T11:00:00.001-07:00

Since Shawnda emailed me....Ive had her on the brain. I check my email constantly to see if shes emailed me back and I think about checking my email when Im not at work. I dont really want to talk to her or have any type of contact with her but I want to know why she wanted contact with me.

I know my relationship with Shawnda changed me in ways I probably cant even grasp. I guess I would say that I regret that relationship more than any other Ive ever had. I almost wish I could go back in time and erase that time from my past so that I could be the person I was before I met her. But alas you cant do that (at least not in the real world) so Im stuck with the memories and changes she inflicted on me.

All that being said...I dont understand why I want to hear from her.

Bizarre.

Ex's & Emails & TROs....Oh My!

2009-04-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

So two days ago I recieved two emails from an ex that I had a TRO against.

First email:
Tue 4/14/2009 3:33 PM
Subject: Sorry.

Steph,

I just wanted to write you something ... saying I'm sorry for hurting you. I never meant too and feel responsible for hurting you. I hope all is well in your endeavors and wish you god speed.

S

Second email:
Tue 4/14/2009 10:29 PM
Subject: sorry

Steph --

I just wanted to send a note to say that I'm sorry for hurting you when all that stuff went down. I never meant to hurt you, so I just wanted to say sorry.

I hope all is well with you.

Again, sorry!

Shawnda

Honestly I don't even know what to say about these. She hasn't emailed me since....but I haven't responded either. I wont.

There are currently 3 theories running around about why she emailed me now:
1. Its near my birthday (April 22nd) - but she didn't send anything last year for my birthday.
2. She has joined some sort of 12 step program - she is definitely not a drug addict and she never drank when we were together.
3. Her girlfriend left her and shes trying to get back into my life - the emails seemed pretty cold and she didn't initiate a response by asking a question.

2009-04-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

When I'm dealing with the public....I have a completely separate dialog in my head then what actually comes out of my mouth. I cant decide if I'm really a mean bitter person....or if dealing with stupid, angry, mean, ridiculous, self centered people all day long has changed me to hate everyone really.

As Im typing this I have a customer standing in front of me - screaming at me, telling me shes going to cancel service if I dont do something for her. Ok.
1. dont yell at me. I didnt do anything to you. if you come in and ask me nicely to do something for you....I might actually do it. If you yell then fuck you. Why should I? belive me - they dont pay me enough to have you yell at me just because you feel like it.
2. dont act like an idiot. I cant stand people who are stupid.

OMG ok so my ex Shawnda just emailed me. Thats crazy. 2 years ago I had a restraining order on her....this day cant get any worse!

mc-fry me up

2009-04-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ok so I officially start a diet, gym, thing tomorrow....well today-ish...but I ruined it today. I ran to mcdonalds today for lunch and little did I know that was going to do me in.

According my my nifty iphone app lose it! to lose weight...I can ingest 1,826 calories per day. Yeah. I did over that for lunch - mean granted I went to mcdonalds...but still.

So now I HAVE to go to the gym. I didnt want to. Im exhausted today....but I paid for the gym membership so I should use it. right? sigh. right.

Twilight

2009-03-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ok so I saw twilight last night....and I can completely see how a teenager would fall in love with that movie. It was dark but not too dark and it had a very different but exciting love story. I personally gave it 3 out of 4 stars.

I had a dream....

2009-03-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the weirdest dream...

I dreamt that Shawnda (my ex) and I moved out to Arizona. I hated it. I was lonely, I hated Shawnda, I was bored, and generally just miserable. I ended up moving home in the middle of the night and leaving Shawnda without telling her. I remember that I had to find a truck to move my bookcases and furniture and that somehow that ended up being a really big deal. Then after I moved I was with K.
My dream is fading quickly from my mind so Ill try and get the rest out of my head.
I remember I left K for JP (my ex before shawnda) and when I did it I was so happy. I told her I didn't want to be with her or have anything to do with her. All I remember was the feeling of relief and elation I had when I left her to be with JP. That great feeling lasted till that night when I remember crying and missing her so bad I wanted to die. When I missed her...I felt like I would have given up my heart, my soul, or my life to be with her again.
This dream has left me perplexed.

Cute new puppy pics

2009-03-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

Ok so I should just rename this blog...the Tofu blog.

I stole her ball....can you tell?

Shes watching tv

Shes so silly....she loves sleeping upside down.

My Fav 5

2009-03-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

Guys I would sleep with (in no particular order)....if I would ever sleep with guys again....
1. Devon Sawa
2. Ryan Phillippe
3. Dwayne Johnson (yes The Rock)
4. Leonardo DiCaprio
5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Ok so shockingly...that list was a whole lot harder to come up with than I thought it would be! I would have added Heath Ledger if I wasnt creeped out by adding dead people to that list.

Woman I would sleep with (this one will be easy)...
1. Amy Lee (lead singer of evanescence...oh the dirty things I would do to her)
2. Gillian Anderson
3. Melanie Lynskey
4. Lucy Liu
5. Dana Delaney

Mono

2009-03-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

So K has mono.

I had mono when I was in college. it sucks. I slept for 2 weeks straight. I feel kinda bad for her...but at the same time I don't because ALL the sickness stuff is starting again. Her tooth hurts, her back hurts, her foot hurts - MY head hurts.

Hey ya know what tho? At least she has friends again. She has immersed herself in dyke drama and since the L word is officially over I need to get my fix from somewhere - hell why not real life?

Anyway other than that...and my new obsession with "puff the magic dragon" things have been pretty boring.

WHO KILLED JENNY?!

2009-03-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know its been over a week since the finale but Im still irritated by it.

I mean seriously....wtf?! They didnt answer any questions, there were no happy endings, we didnt get to see enough Lucy Lawless....I mean come on! If youre going to have Lucy Lawless as a guest star then have LOTS of her on the screen.

And WHO KILLED JENNY?!

I realize that there was a rediculous amount of focus on the "unfinished railing" so in all probability she fell due to that....but at least freakin TELL US!

I wanted to see lots of things I didnt get to during this last episode. If I had my way this is what would have happened:
Shane - breaks up with Jenny and gets back together with Molly and lives happily ever after.
Tina - stops trying to see the good in Jenny and moves with Bette to NY.
Bette - gets to kill Jenny. I think she deserves it.
Alice - breaks up with Tasha (I didnt like them from the begining) and dates Melanie Lynsky
Max - gives Bette and Tina his baby and lives happily as a man
Helena - runs away with me. (who doesnt want a rich, gorgeous, woman with an accent??)
Kit - lives happily ever after with her man...errrr wo-man.
Jenny - dies but not before she gets to see how horrible a person she was to mess with everyones lives.

Anyway they announced some BS about watching the interrogation tapes online each week. People you canceled the show, made it a REALLY short season, AND made a shitty finale. Why would I want to watch more?

The snow is melting

2009-03-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

Ok so the snow is melting...and you would think this is a great thing right? Well for us of the human variety it is...but for the poor puppy....not so much. Weve had snow on the ground for so long that the puppy cant do her business on anything but snow. So the poor thing runs around the yard to find the teeny tiny snow mound that was left over from plowing to go on. Its kinda funny but kinda upsetting too. Hopefully she will figure out soon that its ok to go on grass. This is a picture of her from the snow storm before last...she still gets so excited when it snows out. She runs around trying to catch the snow flakes in her mouth and when that dosent work she rolls little snow balls with her nose and then jumps after them like they were trying to escape.

Also the dog and cat lately have come to this weird truce. They still fight like...well cats and dogs....but then at other times they sleep together. Its just adorable.

So I came back from vacation last week....and I want to go back ON vacation! It was great. I slept, watched tv, slept, played with the puppy, slept and then slept some more.

So K proposed (sorta) again. We were out at lunch yesterday ...and K hits me with, "so what do you think about me putting a ring away on lay-away?" I said "a ring for what?" (yeah I knew for what but I didnt really want to admit it) and she said "a ring for you...I mean I figure were already domestic partners so we might as well start thinking about marriage". Ugh! I think this got brought up because K started hanging out with her friends again and shes sees just how shitty the dating pool is out there. Not that she wouldnt find someone...but she wouldnt find someone like me again. (not that Im tooting my own horn but....well....toot toot!)

breif update

2009-03-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

So I found the joys of facebook....
It is so horribly addicting I cant even tell you.

K and I are doing well? (yes the question mark is in there on purpose)
Weve had some really bumpy ups and downs.
She moved out again....did drugs again.
I made her stay away for a month....and then I let her back in.

Words of Wisdom

2009-01-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.

Ptown

2008-12-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so its about this time of year....each year....that I miss ptown.

I know I havent been there much - but I want to go and I want to go now!

Maybe its the snow that makes me yearn for the warmer weather....and the beach....

Perhaps I have this rosie view of ptown, like I do of most vacation spots. Yet still thinking about it Ive never had a really really good experience in ptown. First time there was with my parents when I was 14. Then with my best friend in high school. Both of these first 2 visit were pre-coming-out. Next was the summer before last....an overnight stay with Kelly...which ended in a fight. Then an overnight stay with P. That one didnt end up in a fight...but in a 4 hour traffic trip home - through which I had to pee and met K at the apartment right after I got home. Last ptown trip was this past summer with K. While there we invited my ex JP and his current girlfriend to come spend a few days with us (weird I know but that part was actually fun). K was in a pissy mood that whole last trip so it wasnt really fun for me.

all in all Im not really sure why I want to go to ptown so bad all of a sudden....I just know that I do.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

I remember when thanksgiving was at my house
and my sister was the youngest one there

I would come down in my pjs
eat my dinner then hide upstairs in my room again

Dinner was quiet
almost to the point of being uncomfortable

My mom put out the good china
the kind that cant go in the dishwasher when dinner is done

Years have passed
and quiet thanksgivings are no more

My cousins have had kids
as seems to be the way things grow and change

I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest

2008-11-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

but at the same time I almost feel like its the best thing for me.

at least thats how I feel in this 15 min stretch...ask me again in 15 min and I will probably have a different opinion.

So she left....and I think shes actually staying away this time.

She did drugs last night. big shock.

I miss her...but not like I used to. I dont feel like I will die without her. I know I can make it on my own. I havent really even cried about this yet. I dont know if its because I think shes going to come back or if Im really done with our relationship.

I cant be with a drug addict. Even though I love her I have to know when to walk away for me.

I tried though. Damn it if I didn't try.

For a year and a half:

I picked her up when she fell

I rescued her

I fed her

I helped her get on medication for bipolar

I sat in countless emergency rooms till all hours of the morning

I paid for medications

I got up and went to work every day while she sat at home

I missed her when I wasn't with her

I listened to her cry, laugh, and complain

I stayed when she took out anger and frustration on me

I stayed

I blew off friends and family every time she needed me

I hated people for taking advantage of her

I never took advantage of her

and most of all

I loved her no matter what she did

I dont feel like I wasted time but I feel this odd sense of sadness and finality.

I slept at my apartment by myself last night...and I wasnt afraid. I had the puppy - my big bad attack dog.

Be careful what you wish for

2008-11-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ive been miserable lately. I know it - and if you read anything in my blog....you'll know it too.

Last night K and I got into a fight....about her gambling. She got paid for a landscaping job she did and then bought some scratch tickets. She won...which was good....but then she gambled everything she won away. I got pissed. Shes always complaining that she wants to put money toward the bank or the IRS and then she gambles away any winnings? I just dont get it. It feels like she can never be responsible! I cant handle that anymore.

So when I got home she had packed her stuff and moved out (again). I was ok with it at first....then she called...and turned around and came home (not because I told her to but because it was night time and rainy and she couldn't see to drive). So she came home and we decided to take a trial separation. She was going to go to her mothers house (which has since changed...because her mothers kinda a bitch) but now shes going to a hotel tonight and to a friends house tomorrow.

I want to tell her to come home. I have told her to. She wont.

Im afraid.

for me...for the dog....for us....for her

I guess you should be careful what you wish for....because sometimes the result isn't as easy as you had hoped it would be.

I dont know what Im going to do tonight. I have to go home to let the dog out and feed her but then what? Maybe play some wow and watch tv or try and convince a friend to go out and have dinner. Either way its going to be a long night of crying and heartache.

No sleep....just WOW

2008-11-15T08:09:00.000-08:00

I was officially the biggest geek in the south shore of MA on Wednesday night. Officially. I was first in line for the world of warcraft wrath of the lich king expansion at the attleboro best buy. Granted I was only first because I was standing there with 5 guys (all random guys who I didnt know) who let me go first. We waited in line for almost 2 hours in the freezing cold just so we could get the collectors edition. Ok even recounting it now makes me feel like a geek!

blog envy

2008-11-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ok so Ive started reading a bunch of blogs...and then I re-read mine. pathetic.

I really need to start doing SOMETHING with my life....you know- other than working, watching tv, and playing world of warcraft.

Speaking of which....new expansion comes out tonight! yay! Yes I will be one of those geeks in line at midnight.

Sleepy (again)

2008-11-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

are you starting to notice a pattern at my house?

and madness ensues

2008-11-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

K went to her mothers house yesterday....and she always stresses her out.

backstory:

K, when she was really into drugs (before I met her), wrote a bunch of bad checks for money for drugs. Now shes freaking out because she believes that she can go to jail for it. Personally I'm a little skeptical of it....it would be her first offence....I think she would get probation (at the worst). Anyway she owes a bank about $700 and she now wants to pay it off.

forward story:
So yesterday when K went up to her moms, her mom started telling her a bunch of different things....none of which were good. First she was telling K that she was going to go to jail and that she was disappointed in her for not paying her bank back. Little does her mom know how much money Ive sacrificed to K for her drug habit and her craziness....so she cant blame me for not wanting to spend MORE money on stuff that dosent affect me. I know that sounded very childish...but the more and more I think about it the less I see K and I lasting. Which brings me to the second thing Ks mom was telling her. She was stressing her out about our age difference...telling her that when K is 60 Ill be 45...and telling her that shes sick all the time so why would I want to be with someone like that. Ks mom was also telling her that she dosent think we'll stay together and that Im going to be the one to leave K. Sigh. Ironic. Sigh. I dont want K to stress out about it. I do love her...but I dont see us spending the rest of our lives together.

A phrase I wrote a little while ago keeps running through my head...
"Shes always sick, always hurting, never working....I cant support the both of us for the rest of my life. I wont do it. Im only 25."

So the ironic part about volunteering at GLAD...is that they havent called yet. Do you think they figured out my intentions werent completely pure?

Decision

2008-11-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

So I think in some strange far reach of my mind I have come to a decision.

I know I love K...but I know I will not stay with her forever.
Ive been thinking long and hard about it and I know I wasnt meant to be with her. I will bide my time for now because I dont know if 1. I can be alone 2. I can make it on my own and 3. what I would do with the puppy. So yes...my desire to volunteer in the LGBT community is not 100% selfless...its partly to be able to meet people...and maybe meet THE person.

And so I bide my time.

Ok so work is CRAZY busy today....and Im not sure why! Go home people! Im sick and I dont feel like dealing with you!

New blog title....maybe

2008-11-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

Ok so Ive been doing some thinking about my blog caption...my life in lesbian drama chronicled... however.... I dont have any gay friends.... the only lesbian drama that I have is with my girlfriend...

Perhaps I need to think of a new caption....

here are the leaders so far:

my boring life
yawn
Im bored at work so this is what I do to pass time
run now...dont read any further....for the love of god
I think Im talking to myself here

Yay Obama...Boo CA

2008-11-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

Ok so first off....

YAY OBAMA!

I admit it. I was really really sick on Monday so I didnt vote. I left work early...went home...found out I was on the inactive list to vote...and fell into a dayquil stupor on my couch. I know. Im the scum of the earth for not voting....but everything worked out the way I wanted so I guess its ok in the end. Yay taxes, Boo greyhound racing, Yay pot! heh - kinda funny.

And what in the hell is CA thinking?! Come on...seriously? Did the gays just not leave the house to vote? Was it raining so the queens thought they would melt? what happened?!
I was talking to a gay co-worker and we were discussing CA...and he brought up a good point. If we are re-voting and taking things back....are we going to re-vote on slavery? What about on the right for women to vote? Hell....why dont we start from scratch and vote on EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE!
So the CA marriage issue scared me enough that I decided to sign up to volunteer at GLAD. I did it late last night so I havent heard anything yet...but I dont know how K will feel about this. We will see. Then again...everytime Ive signed up to volunteer with anything LGBT related...no one has ever gotten back to me.

Ive found in the past 2 years that the LGBT community is very shut off. Its almost impossible to get into the community unless you know someone and become close to them. In 2 years I still havent managed to find any gay friends.
Isnt that kinda sad?
maybe its just me.

Sleepy

2008-11-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

blog obsessions

2008-10-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so the two blogs I have on the right ----->

Are my blog obsessions.

eczema

2008-10-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember Ive had eczema (though its been in the last year that Ive been able to spell it). When I was a kid I remember getting it really bad on my inner arms and behind my knees - which sucked but I was able to cover it with pants and shirts. In the last 4 years or so it has decided to start on my face. yay for me right?
sometimes it looks like severely chapped lips but K has pretty much told me that sometimes it looks like herpes of the mouth. Ummm ewww. I definitely do NOT have herpes.
I had kinda learned to ignore it...and for the most part the customers that I deal with have never noticed (at least no one has said anything about it) until yesterday when I had a customer comment on it. Well that made me realize that I really need to do something about it. what? I dont know...but something.

I love the smell of seasons.

Although today smells like a very early cold spring day...not a late fall day. Maybe its the rain.

I love rainy days

Lately K has been worrying me. She keeps mentioning how she misses her sister. Thank goodness her sister probably called the cops on her .... so she doesn't dare call her.

Im still undecided if I want to stay with K. She announced to me yesterday that if I did want her to leave...her friend Chris called...and said K could move in with her. I dont know.

treading water

2008-10-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like Im treading water.

I dont know if Im supposed to be here - at work, at home, at life.

I feel like I should be somewhere else...with someone else....living a better life than I have.

Ive been really feeling it for the last 2 weeks or so.

K and I have been fighting. She says Ive changed. I say I have too. But what can you do?

Im stuck.

At work - I cant afford the pay cut I would take if I switched to a job I loved. Im restless.
At home - I dont know if I want to be with K anymore. Shes always sick, always hurting, never working....I cant support the both of us for the rest of my life. I wont do it. Im only 25.

Sometimes it feels so overwhelming that I want to cry. And sometimes I feel content. And sometimes I feel happy.

I think this last injury has really put me over the edge.
K fell last sunday getting out of the shower. We were getting ready to go to King Richards Faire in Carver...and I woke her up to get ready. Then when she was getting out of the shower she fell (because she was so messed up on her bi-polar sleeping medication). It knocked the wind out of her...and probably cracked a few ribs. Shes been laid up ever since.
When I met K...she had a broken foot. She milked that for all it was worth. Then she was having bad headaches....which was because of disc deneration and bone spurs in her neck. Now cracked ribs. Shes never fixed and whole.

If she did leave:
who would look after the puppy?
how would I pay rent? (she gets a monthly check that does help out a little bit)
would I be happier?
what if I miss her?
would I be making a mistake?
would I ever find real love again? (cause I know she does love me)

Halloween

2008-10-18T13:20:00.001-07:00

So yes... this is how much of a loser I am. I spent a whole night just carving my pumpkin....into a spider. Which is ironic because we are constantly killing spiders at my house...so K asked me why I wanted to turn my pumpkin into another one.

seriously jaded

2008-10-14T09:47:00.001-07:00

Ok so the longer I work in retail....the more I hate people. Pretty much all people. Isnt that sad?
It has created in me some very interesting pet peeves:

Please learn to speak english. I dont speak another language....so yelling at me in a language I dont understand dosent help you or me.

On that same note - why yell at me? I didnt create the policy's....I just get to keep my job by following them. Yelling at me just makes me hate my job, you, and all of humanity. Plus it ruins your day - unless you like yelling....

A manufactures warranty does NOT cover YOUR stupidity. Its not the manufactures fault that you dropped your cell phone in the toilet.

Listen. Im not just speaking to you because I like the sound of my own voice. I am trying to convey information to you. Please dont make me repeat myself ten times.

I work on commission. I am not here to walk you through every aspect of your phone - they come with a manual for a reason.

I cannot let you out of your two year contract. Even if you tell me that you will sue me. We have a multi-million dollar law team who works solely to ensure we do not break any laws.

If you come in and give me attitude I will be the most unhelpful person in the world. Be nice.

I dont care if you ARE married to the account holder. If your name isnt on the account I cant do anything for you. I mean who knows...you could be in the middle of a messy divorce and just want to mess with your husbands/wifes account.

No I cannot waive your activation fees, upgrade fees, phone fees, or anything else.

No you dont get a free car charger/case/earpiece just because youve been a customer since 1763 (which btw we have not been around that long....so dont tell me youve been a customer for 20+ yrs).

If you do not pay your bill we will shut off your service. period.

I wish it came that easy

2008-09-23T10:23:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have a fight that you know you won? The other person may never say it but you know you won. Everything you said was just right and the way you ended it (on your terms) was perfect. I had that last night.

K and I have been fighting about money. She complains that nothing of hers is getting paid...I tell her that shes expensive and that we are doing our best. She complains still. So I told her fine that we will split everything from now on and everything she gets from her check she can go spend in whatever way she wants and Ill take my left over money and spend it the way I want.

----little back story on this-----

before we went away on vacation I mentioned that I had saved $600 out of my big comission check to put towards a new tv. Ive had tv envy lately and I feel the severe need to fix this. So we were on the way to ptown when she hits me with..."well since we're putting all our money together I think we should put that $600 towards paying off my bank". Ummm ok. Another small piece of history for you. When K was with one of her ex's she started writing bad checks to places in order to get money for drugs. She owes a banking institution around $600 because of this. Now maybe Im being selfish...or maybe stubborn because of all the money Ive already paid towards her drug habbit....but I dont feel as if I should have to take money that I worked really hard for and pay back a drug habit I never had. Needless to say our vacation was ruined because I told her no. She was pissy the whole time and so was I.

So weve been fighting since then about money. I cant trust her with money. Everytime she gets money in her pocket she does drugs. Every time she comes crawling back to me she promises me she will never do it again, never fight with me about money again, never give me a hard time about not trusting me, and yet here we are - back in the cycle. Im tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the checking up on her, tired of the lies, the anger, the hurt, the pain, tired of being uncomfortable at home when shes mad, tired, tired, tired, tired.

Last night I got home and we hadnt spoken all day. I went into the bathroom when I got home and soaked my feet in the tub. It relaxes me usually and my feet hurt from standing for 10 hours. I got out of the bathroom and K was sitting in front of the tv in the living room (where I might add...she spends ALL day EVERY day). So I took a sleeping pill (that I bought on my ride home....which took twice the time it usually did because I was trying to stall going home) and read an amazing blog that I found (Ill post the link later). So K come into the doorway and says that I can go into the living room if I want and she will come into the bedroom. I tell her (in a monotone voice) no thanks Im fine where I am. She says who are you texting (I was reading the blog on my new iphone) I say no one. She dosent believe me. She yells backs at me from the hallway to the living room - I hope that whoever your texting is worth it. Whatever Im done. Im tired.

She comes in a few more times and talks about splitting up. I keep telling her I just dont care. Im to the point where I JUST DONT CARE! I almost want to scream it at her. I want to cry. I dont. I keep my voice very monotone. She says she dosent trust me to give her money if she wants to leave. I tell her I dont trust her with money period. Finally she said she wants money tonight. Fine. I leave and go to the bank. When I was leaving she was picking at me again. Right before I left we started bickering back and forth and somehow it came out that she said....so what do you want me to leave? And I said no I want you to change and I closed the door. It just felt right. Like Id ended it the way I wanted to. ya know? I take the $200 out of my main account that was supposed to sustain me for the week till friday. I bring it back and place it on the kitchen table and go back to my sanctuary. My bedroom.

2 hours go by and that sleeping pill dosent hit. I manage to take a trip to the kitchen to get the rest of the pills and take one more. I read till my eyes close and then manage to crawl out of bed long enough to plug my phone in.

Its the weirdest feeling. Im restless but moving is an effort....Im concious of my surroundings but still seems exhausted...my mind is running but Im almost asleep.

Then K come in and shuts off the light and turns on the ac. Im too cold for that. I pull myself up and shut off the ac. The dark is oppressive. I fall back asleep.

Time goes by

K come in and gets into bed with me and snuggles up to me. I know Ive won. In that instant I knew I had won. That is her way of apologizing. It took almost 2 days.

Provincetown

2008-08-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

So I booked my vacation to p-town!

Im now waiting on pins and needles till the second weekend in sept. Why that date u may ask? Because Im cheap (yes thats the asian side of me) and thats when the fall rates for p-town start.

I booked my stay at http://www.bradfordcarver.com/ Its a great place. Right up the street from Spiritus Pizza (which is undoubtedly the best pizza in the world) and about a 3 min walk to EVERYTHING. Its a really cute place...the room we get has a fireplace and is up a winding staircase. I almost didnt book there again this year...I almost went with a place thats owned by 2 woman but I really liked this place and the other place was a 10 min walk to the center of town...so in the interest of being lazy I booked here.

Im so excited I cant wait to go!

Sara Barielles - Fairytale

2008-08-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a
Crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, I'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do
With seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But I don't want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

Cause I don't care for you fairytales
You're so worried bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing
I don't care
I don't care
Worry bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb
Appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
Cause I don't want the next best thing
No no I don't want the next best thing

This is the opening song to Girl Play....I fell in love with this song watching that movie over and over again! Plus I really liked Love Song by her anyway.

It was like noahs ark in my living room!

2008-08-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

So my apartment flooded yesterday.

Its my first time living in a basement apartment.....and now I know why Ill never do it again! It started to rain (well really downpour) while K and I were in the Christmas tree shop. Oh and as a side note...the Xmas tree shop in the new Gillette plaza ROCKS MY SOCKS! No lie. Anyway - we got home with subs and we were sitting there munching away when I noticed that under the radiator in our living room looked a little wet. I sat and watched the wetness spread out from under the radiator and into the living room....sigh.

So my fun for my day off was using a wetvac to try and make my living room at least a little less damp. Even through all that ickyness - yesterday was a really good day for K and I. She and I made each other laugh all day and night....it made me really realize why I love her so much.

Oh and sobriety check for K - 2 months and counting.

Missy Higgins - Where I stood

2008-08-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

I dont know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I dont know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I dont know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more then I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then anyone I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do

Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I dont know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood

This song reminds me of JP. I made me really miss him and miss my relationship with him.

Enough said

2008-08-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

OK so I saw this driving down Rt 1 in Dedham MA the other day......

Umm yeah. Enough said.

Tofu

2008-08-14T12:14:00.001-07:00

So K and I got a new puppy....her name is Tofu. Isn't she adorable? Got her instead of a new tv (and some bills - eh theres always time to be responsible later.....right?).

Girl Play

2008-08-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ok so folks .... this has been my new movie obsession. In fact I think Im having withdrawls from it because I havent seen it in the last 48 hours. I DVR'd it from LOGO (ummm yes LOGO needs to get rid of commercials in their movies....I dont care if I have to pay for it!) It is probably the best low budget film Ive ever seen. It based on a two woman play that got turned into a movie and the two woman play is based on real life....sigh.

Must go home and watch movie again.....

Relapse

2008-06-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

K relapsed today.

Ive asked her not to work on the north shore anymore.

She agreed.

She always feels so bad after she messes up.

After she is always loving, caring, and constantly telling me how much she loves me.

I was proud of myself. I didnt yell or scream or fight. I just cried.

Turkey Day

2008-04-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

I know - Turkey day is usually in November....but today we had a wild turkey plop itself outside our store (he scared customers and we fed him french fries).

So I met K's mom and it went SHOCKINGLY well. I thought she was awesome and K said her mom liked me. Im glad for numerous reasons - one of which is its nice to see that K has a semi normal family member and its nice that shes getting close to her. I really hated it when she was talking to her sister and her nephew because (and she and I talked about this through part of the car ride home from the northshore) it was always about them. They expected her to drop everything she was doing to be with them and they expected her to wait on them hand and foot (which in my opinion is rediculous - my kid, especially if he loved her as much as her nephew said he did, would NEVER EVER let an adult wait on them like that - maybe I was just raised differently).

The cat

2008-04-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

Ok so Ive never owned a cat before in my life - my mother hated them. I guess it all stemmed from when my mother was in college and owned a cat. The cat woke her up one night by attacking her and my mother had to throw her off the bed wrapped in a blanket and run out the apartment to get away from her. When she arrived home the next day (she went to sleep at her parents when that happened) the cat had died from distemper. So since then my mother has always said that you cant trust cats.

Well as any good lesbian when I came out I ended up with a cat. It was not intentional at all to be honest. K had a cat who was pregnant with kittens (the kittens were born on Christmas day) and when she decided to get rid of her cat and the kittens I decided to keep one of them. She is so cute - isnt she?

Pay Day

2008-04-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

ok so K got paid today then almost went to visit a friend on the northshore. Im so glad she didnt. I would have been sick to my stomach the entire time. Then she went and spent some of her money on a scratch ticket and hit for $150. I never win those things. ugh!

So we go to visit her mom on Sunday. I have to admit - Im nervous. Everything she (and her sister and niece and nephews) used to tell me is that her mother is a horrible human being who can sprout horns and a pitch fork at will...so needless to say Im worried. As I think Ive posted before K has stopped talking to her sister (for many reasons but it sums up to her sister is a horrible manipulative person who doesn't want to see K with anyone because it takes away from "their" time together - weird eh?) Anywho back to the mother situation. So she and her mom hadn't talked in years but they reconnected after K and her sister stopped talking. Im glad K has some family because everyone should have that. We made a date to go up to K's moms house for Sunday April 6th and I was fine with that (parents tend to like me - Im a goody goody and I know it) and then after we made that she told me that her mother has never liked any of her girlfriends. great. perfect. how lovely for me.

New Apartment

2008-04-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ok so Ive officially moved into my new apartment and I have to say - you never know how much you miss a dishwasher till you don't have one.

Things have been good with K. Shes going to be going back to work in 3 weeks at the same place she used to before. Im worried for her....really worried. She'll be back on the northshore where she gets into all her trouble. She swears that the guys that used to work there that did drugs are no longer employed but Im still scared.

Digression -
Ok so I work with the public all day long and there are just some women that I see that are married or have boyfriends that I just want to look at and say "come on...stop...its ok to come out now." I realize that I have absolutely NO gay-dar so if you're setting off MY gay-dar then jeeze...

I saw J one day last week but havent really gotten to talk to her lately. Tho aparently her ex H (who came in to upgrade her cell phone with me and now txt messages me randomly- for those of you that dont know...I work for an at&t store in MA so if youre looking for at&t cell phone service COME SEE ME!) told J that she and I were friends and made it sound like we talk all the time. That was a little weird but I guess H is controlling - not that I blame her because J did cheat on her a fair amount.

L word season finale

2008-03-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ok so I realize that I'm a big geek. I have no gay friends so I live my life vicariously through the L word - and now I have to wait till 2009 for more. UGH! Also they announced that next season will be the final season...tragic.

For those of you who watch the show - these are my sentiments:
Kit - Revenge is so sweet!
Helena - I'm actually glad to see you back
Tina & Bette - Finally
Jodie - Grow up
Jenny - You didn't even begin to get what you deserved
Shane - 2 steps forward and 3 back
Alice - Do it! Ive always had a crush on Melanie Lynskey

In other news - I have definitely been putting on weight. Its time to start cracking down and eating right again. Its just not easy to do that with K - she cooks for me when I get home and I feel bad if I don't eat even if I'm not hungry. Plus now I have the Easter basket from K and one from my parents - I officially have enough chocolate and candy in the house to be able to kill a small horse.

Speaking of Easter - yesterday went pretty well. K went with me to my parents house for Easter dinner and then we all played monopoly (weird I know). It was actually a lot of fun and my parents and K get along pretty well - I think (but then again I thought people liked my horrendous ex Shawnda too and no one did).

2008-03-10T00:57:00.001-07:00

"One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is, is four or five days that change everything"
-Riding in Cars with Boys

When things go right in one area....

2008-03-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

They explode in another

Ok so first I have a place to live (yay!) I found a place in Foxboro. Its a 2 bedroom (so if K decides to bail on me again I can get a roommate) for $950 a month. Not too shabby. Though it dosent include heat or hot water and I dont have a dishwasher.

I had drama at work today tho...which was the bad thing. Some new girl started and started with me. Sigh. I thought I had just gotten rid of the guy that caused lots of drama. Then my manager started blaming me for it (thankfully someone else was there who stood up for me).

Lianna

2008-02-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so first off...this movie was made the same year I was born....actually the movie is older than I am by 3 months. Second off it was directed by a man - whats up with that?! Ill give you I was watching this movie at 2am on showtime but it really didnt hold my attention. The plot was awful - married woman having problems in her marriage with a man who cheats on her - woman finds college professor who hits on her and turns her gay - woman leaves husband and two children to move in with new lover (she didnt discuss that with her before she did it by the way) - new lover says no - finds out new lover has a partner someplace else and that new lover was looking for an affair with a married woman (didnt you know all lesbians are preditors looking to break up marriages and turn happily heterosexual women gay?). Yep awful. THEN at one point she went into a gay bar (in a college town I mind you) and let me list you off the unrealism that this guy directed into his film - 1. there were about 20 people there 2. there were no butchy women 3. not one mullet in sight and 4. all the woman were in their late 20's to early 30's. Yeeeah I may not have been born then but gay bars can not have changed that much in the last 25 yrs. Anywho - my vote is two thumbs down - not worth the time or brain cells to watch this movie...it was a bit interesting to see lesbians in the 80's portrayed by a man....but still not worth watching the movie.

The incredibly true adventure of 2 girls in love

2008-02-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

All I can say is .... Ohh Laurel Holloman.... your voice is too girly to play a little butch. It was a campy but cute movie that made me wonder if lesbian families are really like hers. It was definately a movie worth seeing but it was a bit outdated (it was made it 1995). The other thing about this movie that spoke to me was the "forbidden love". It really gave me flash backs from my childhood.

Do you want to date me?

2008-02-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

If you do....here is the list of requirements

1) you must bite your nails

2) you must hate seafood

3) you must be able to cook

4) you must be emotionally unavailable in some way shape or form

yup - thats been my last 3 relationships....fun fun

Judy Francesconi

2008-02-09T21:08:00.000-08:00

This is what I aspire to do. To take pictures like this.

How beautiful is the symmetry...the lighting....the curves....It looks peaceful, comfortable, inviting....

I really am a lesbian - how can anyone look at this and not appreciate how beautiful a naked woman is?

If you get a chance go visit this womans website http://judyfrancesconi.com her photos are so amazing....

Moving

2008-02-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Ok so Im freaking out about moving.

I got an apartment with my (now ex) boyfriend about 3 years ago. In that 3 years we moved once...and it was just 2 buildings down in the same apartment complex. Now Ive come to the end of my lease. He moved out in November and K moved in. Well K moved out on me after 2 weeks leaving me to pick up the entire rent on my own (its a 2 bedroom in Norwood....its about $1500 a month). Well thankfully (or not) my lease is up on March 1st and I have to move - but my god I dont want to. Im terrified.

My last ex messed my credit up by opening cards in my name and not paying any of the bills she said she was. Now I dont even know if my credits good enough to get an apartment on my own. I cant trust K enough to move in with her and trust that she will stick around to pay the bills...but she dosent want me to get a roommate. At this point its about doing whats right for me so my choices are this.
1) get a one bedroom apartment I can afford on my own if K flakes
2) get a 2 bedroom and a roommate
3) stay where I am and stuggle but know that I have a place to live.

I dont know what to do.

H E L P!!!

2008-02-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

So I dont know what to do....

I went out with J yesterday to the movies....and I have to say that I still really want her. I told her K has sorta moved back in and her demeanor changed.

I sent her this a while after she dropped me off

S 2/7/2008 3:45pm - Your demeanor seemed to change when i told u K was staying with me for a bit...was that just me hoping to see that or was i right?
J 2/7/2008 4:23 - Hmmm - plede 5th
S 2/7/2008 4:43pm - Please tell me
J 2/7/2008 4:45 - No if u are happy i am so happy - and if u are not done then you need to follow that path
S 2/7/2008 4:46 pm - If u had said...lets date i would send K home in a heartbeat
J 2/7/2008 4:50 pm - Both of us cant do that right now
S 2/7/2008 4:51 pm - Y cant u?
J 2/7/2008 4:52 pm - U know
S 2/7/2008 4:52 pm - P?
J 2/7/2008 4:56 pm - & h & k & kr & california

Puccini for Beginners

2008-02-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

Ok so I just saw this movie....what a let down. It was ok but dont start watching it with any big expectations. It was predictable and slow moving in the begining and I really didnt like the main character - I found her dry and not personable. Ah well.... another strike for lesbian movies.

Saving Face

2008-02-06T08:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so I just want everyone to go out and watch the movie Saving Face. Its the best combination of an asian and lesbian movie EVER.

Anyway J txt messaged me today to see if I wanted to go to the movies with her tomorrow. I made a pact with myself that I wouldnt ask her to hang out with me again - shes got to ask me. Its time for her to prove that she actually wants to spend time with me.

Also Im so sick I feel like I want to die. Ive been getting body aches and chills so bad I have to take a bath just to warm up....then I get so hot I strip down to a tee shirt. Because of that constant push and pull last night I didnt get much sleep - plus I had to be in work for 7:30am to let the trainer into our building. So today (being sick and all) should be a wonderful ten and a half hour day. I hate being sick.

pain in the foot?

2008-02-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

Ok my foot hurts so bad today that Im limping around....I look like a moron but oh well

K semi moved back in - she moved the kittens and her cat in today (arent they cute?). I guess that effectivly ends anything I may have had with J.

P is acting crazy I guess and is sabotaging any chance she gets with women she talks to. great. I just dont want to be around her right now.

So I got written up for my sales for last month. fantastic. I now have to hit my sales goals for the next 3 months or I could be fired. Not that this job is stressful at all or anything.

I think Ive decided I want to start taking classes. I was looking at New England School of Photography (http://www.nesop.com/). I wonder if Ill be any good at it.

I know Im just one great big ray of sunshine today arent I?

Her addiction vs mine

2008-02-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

Her addiction is drugs - crack/cocaine
My addiction is her

Which is worse? Im not really sure.

She wants help this time....but what can I do?
I need help this time....but what can I do?

K - why cant I walk away from her. Everytime I think I have I get sucked back in. Is this what being IN love is like?

So far since coming out last year Ive dated a woman who hit me (yes restraining order was involved...that was a fun trip into white-trash-ville), a woman who was kind but controlling and I wasnt attracted to her, and a drug addict. Is this what being gay is all about? because if so I think Ill go back to the safety of hetero-ville.

Why do I always hope for a movie ending?

2008-02-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

So I was starting to fall for K again....I know....stupid. She was acting so different and I really thought she had changed but cycles repeat and here I am again.

I cant take her back again....I wont let myself. I have to get over her.

Yesterday I let her borrow my car so that she could go get her check from the post office. She was supposed to bring my car back at 3 - which then became 4 - which then became 6 - which became never. She called me at 7:45 and told me I could pick the car up in lawrence again. Im so all done.

I called her this morning crying and she didnt answer. Im so sick of the lies and hurt.

Now I got this from her:
K 2/2/2008 12:10 pm - I love you with all my heart. You felt it the other night. I need help everytime i think i can walk away i get pulled back in i am sorry steph
S 2/5/2008 12:36 p, - Did you do drugs last night?
K 2/2/2008 12:48 pm - If you want to pick up your phone you can. Dont shut it and go through the trouble i will give it to you. And the answer is yes i cant control it. Im calling around today to get admitted somewhere. I do love you and im sorry i fucked up again. Take care babe. Let me know when your coming. Its a wonder why i have no one. Anyway. Im trying to charge the phone its dead. Call you in an hour to find out when your coming. Hope you dont mind im going to use the phone to make those calls.

Blown off

2008-01-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

(blow off #1)
So last night after I dropped off K, J invited me to spend some time with her and P (just watch movies and make brownies). So I showed up there around 11pm to find J and P on the couch. We were just deciding what movie to watch when J got a phone call....we waited a while for her but she walked into the other room (we took that as a sign that she was going to be a while) so we started a movie. After about an hour and a half P started to fall asleep and J was still talking to her friend so I decided to take my leave. I said good bye to P and J had the door closed to the bedroom so I just left.
Now I must admit here that I was a tad bit heart broken because I had driven over there all the way from Lawrence to see her and she couldnt even take the time to get off the phone and see me. Oh well. I figured that it wasnt a big deal because we were supposed to meet up the next morning.

(blow off #2)
This morning I got a text message saying that J was really tired this morning and needed more sleep - but that she would be there later. Well later came and went and by the time she woke up (if she had showered and come over) we would have only gotten to see each other for about an hour. This is the text I got that officially meant she was blowing me off.
J 1/30/2008 9:38 am - I am sorry slow moving today - major muscle spasms in my chest - i do not want to blow u off - it might be 1030- 1100 b4 i could get there. So should i still come or do u want me to come straight from class tomorrow? My class is over @ 945 - so i could be to u by 1030 - i do not want to hurt u or blow u off - i also know u need to be @ work - let me know what u are thinking
S 1/30/2008 9:40 am - Its up to u... If u want to come over for a bit then come on over...if u want to wait till tomorrow then thats fine too. I dont want u to be in pain
J 1/30/2008 9:41 am - I dont want to disappoint you
S 1/30/2008 9:41 am - U tell me what u want to do....whatever that is is ok with me
J 1/30/2008 9:45 am - Well @ this point i cant even get into the bathroom to take a shower p is in there - so maybe tomorrow 1 becuz i am in pain & 2 becuz i would like to spend more than an hour with you

Frau Farbissina comes to mind at this point with her line - "Lies...all lies!!"

Another lesbian stereotype

2008-01-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

Lesbians and their ex's.....ah who knew I would subscribe to so many stereotypes!

ok so Im going to do the readers digest condensed version of events.

Friday - Told P and J that I was bailing on dinner after waking up there that morning because I was starting to get frustrated with P and wanted to see J more and more (I decided I needed space). K called in the evening and I answered. I went up to visit her ....because.....well 1. I wanted to and 2. she told me she was going to jail. She begged me to stay the night - I wouldnt stay in Lawrence so she came home with me.

Saturday - Woke up with K and went back up to the north shore where I puttered around with her shopping and doing other things till about 1pm. I came home and went to my best friends baby shower (cute but boring after the first hour). I was hoping to have dinner with J but that didnt pan out so I went back up to Lawrence to get K.

baby shower theme

Sunday - Woke up with K again and spent a nice relaxing day. Things are VERY loving and its very very different - I wonder if things will stay that way. She keeps telling me things are so different and that the last 2 weeks have really opened her eyes. I told her she has to learn to treat me like I deserve to be treated and that she has treated me horribly up till now.

Monday - Woke up with K and she dropped me off at work. K took the car to go to the post office in Chelmsford to try and get her mail stopped and she to see her niece who is in the hospital because she just had a baby. J stopped into work unannounced (probably the nicest surprise Ive had in a very long time) and I stood talking with her for almost an hour. During that time K came by the store to pick up the apartment key. It was weird having them overlap. Made plans with J for Thursday (my day off) and she brought up Wednesday morning (I was shocked - I guess she does want to see me more than I think she does). K picked me up and I went home with her. She and I made dinner then went to bed.

Tuesday - Woke up with K - I was supposed to drop her off at home this morning but didnt because I was too lazy (I didnt want to fight traffic) so I have to go home to night and drop her off. Things kinda slipped back into normal state for a few minutes. I woke up and rolled over and asked her if she minded if I dropped her off tonight and she said to me...I dont want this to be a fight about me going home. I immediately got rankled...and was like fine not a big deal at all ....lets get up so I can drop you off. No skin off my nose if you want to go home now I was just hoping you wouldnt mind waiting cause I dont want to be late for work. She changed her tune right away then used the excuse that she had just woken up. Interesting. We will see how things go. Got a call from J who saw KT at school this morning and she made J feel bad. I wonder what KT has that I dont. I asked her if we were still on for wednesday morning and she said yes unless I had changed my mind. I told her no I had not changed my mind.

ER

2008-01-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in the emergency room yet again. This month has not been good for me. J asked me to ask P to karoke tonight so that the three of us could hang out (not because she wanted to see me but because she wants to alleviate her guilt about P). So I told her I would be there around 10:30pm because she promised me she would be there at 10. Small side note here....K apparently really diminished my confidence in other people because I'm now so afraid that J is going to blow me off that I keep warning her not to. Anyway J didn't show up at P's apartment until 11:15pm. If she hadn't shown up by 11:30pm then I was just going to go home (and yes a large part of me would wish that she would chase me to get me to not be mad at her or hurt by the fact that she didn't show...but an even bigger part of me knows she can't and wouldn't). Well, like I said, she showed and started to get dressed up because KT (someone she had dated that had blown her off) was there (yeah not going to pretend that didn't hurt - jealousy is dangerous please please never forget that).

J's day

2008-01-24T07:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so yesterday was a J's day.

I took the day off to spend with her...so she came over at around 11am and we spent all day either on the couch or in bed talking. We started to uhm do naughty things together and she couldn't look at me so I stopped her. I could see guilt was flaring up and consuming her. God she is so different than I thought she was when I first met her. When I first met her I remember thinking that she was really attractive but silly and a little goofy. Plus she was currently in the middle of two relationships and so was I so I didn't think much about her other than I knew I liked her.
Regardless, after I made her stop she got up and said she had to leave. I was a little crushed because that hurts my ego quite a bit. So she left at around 5:15pm and I knew it was almost time for me to go meet my mom for dinner so it wasn't a big deal. At around 6 my dad picked me up from the apartment and about half way to pick up my mom I got this from J:
J 1/23/2008 6:15pm - I hate me - i hate life - it has nothing to do with u - just me
S 1/23/2008 6:16pm - Oh j im so sorry....please dont be sad. Can i do anything to make it better?
Anyway long story short she actually came out to dinner with me and my parents. Dinner went REALLY well surprisingly and J managed to charm my parents. She held my hand under the table and stroked my knee...it was so cute. After dinner she offered me a ride home so I took her up on it hoping to just spend some more time with her. When we got to my apartment I offered her an invitation to come up for a little while...well a little while turned into all night.

I HAVE NOW RECLAIMED MY BED BACK!

Now I just have to figure out how to protect my heart from getting hurt by J.

must share

2008-01-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ok I know this is stupid but I want to post this just cause I keep reading it and I know at some point I will have to delete it.

J 1/21/2008 2:10pm - So i am fishing for compliments here - why do you find me attractive?
S 1/21/2008 2:11pm - Lol i like how u didnt bs me. You have a very cute face...and theres something about your demeanor i find attractive
J 1/21/2008 2:13pm - what about my hot ass?
S 1/21/2008 2:14pm - Lol i didnt think i needed to mention it...it was a given. So in the spirit of fishing for compliments....im asking u the same question.
J 1/21/2008 2:19pm - Ok fair - u have a sexiness in how u carry yourself. U have a great smile. U let your gentleness come out. And your voice is hot!
J 1/21/2008 2:20pm - I would like to take u to bed
S 1/21/2008 2:22pm - I would like that....I bet youre a pretty amazing lover.

omg omg omg omg

2008-01-22T10:58:00.000-08:00

So P brought J into my work. I have kinda always thought that J was attractive...since the first time I met her- No it wasnt her geeky funny quality that I liked but the kinda cute butch thing. I knew I was in trouble because I kept looking for her and trying to get P to bring her around. So our friendship kinda blossomed out from just talking to each other when P was there to talking about P to having our first meet up this morning. The meeting did not have the best intentions....but nothing came of it other than she made me cry and she held me.

Anyway so something new I learned from this morning is that P is in love with me. Not good. I know Im not in love with her. After spending some time with her I just feel this itching need to get away from her...and I KNOW I wasnt in love with her because of that.

The other things Ive been doing is - 1. I went to trivia in JP at James Gate 2. I signed up for a meet up to watch the L word on Sunday 3. I signed up for a lesbian book club on Feb 24th Scarrry.

She left me

2008-01-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

I called K yesterday afternoon at around 4 to find out how she was....and when I called she told me she had left me. I ran home quickly to see if it was true and she had packed all of her stuff and moved out on me.

Im heartbroken.

doubts and fears

2008-01-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I doubt K is the one for me. There are times I think that I could do so much better than what she gives me. If its not one thing its another with her. Im not 100% sure she is not lying about this whole thing. First it was her foot and now its her head - is she just pill seeking? Shes been on pain pills for as long as Ive known her. A large part of me wants to think that no...once this is done then everything will be fine...but Im not sure anymore.

so I begged for sex the other night. I resolved after that to never ask for sex again.
so ironic that I know I could get laid with P...that I wouldnt even have to ask for it...that she was stroking my knee the other day and making references...but I am at home with K and begging for it.

I vow from this moment on that I will never ask for sex again from K...if she wants it she can ask for it...till then I will just finish on my own.

I already broke one vow the very next night to say no to her when she asks - but my lust was greater than my resolve and I paid for it with lackluster sex.