So k was throwing me a bday party today...but when I woke up she started a huge fight and left. Now I have to get ready for my own party by myself. I will never forgive her for this.

On the brain

Since Shawnda emailed me....Ive had her on the brain. I check my email constantly to see if shes emailed me back and I think about checking my email when Im not at work. I dont really want to talk to her or have any type of contact with her but I want to know why she wanted contact with me.

I know my relationship with Shawnda changed me in ways I probably cant even grasp. I guess I would say that I regret that relationship more than any other Ive ever had. I almost wish I could go back in time and erase that time from my past so that I could be the person I was before I met her. But alas you cant do that (at least not in the real world) so Im stuck with the memories and changes she inflicted on me.

All that being said...I dont understand why I want to hear from her.

Bizarre.

Ex's & Emails & TROs....Oh My!

So two days ago I recieved two emails from an ex that I had a TRO against.

First email:
Tue 4/14/2009 3:33 PM
Subject: Sorry.

Steph,

I just wanted to write you something ... saying I'm sorry for hurting you. I never meant too and feel responsible for hurting you. I hope all is well in your endeavors and wish you god speed.

S

Second email:
Tue 4/14/2009 10:29 PM
Subject: sorry

Steph --

I just wanted to send a note to say that I'm sorry for hurting you when all that stuff went down. I never meant to hurt you, so I just wanted to say sorry.

I hope all is well with you.

Again, sorry!

Shawnda


Honestly I don't even know what to say about these. She hasn't emailed me since....but I haven't responded either. I wont.

There are currently 3 theories running around about why she emailed me now:
1. Its near my birthday (April 22nd) - but she didn't send anything last year for my birthday.
2. She has joined some sort of 12 step program - she is definitely not a drug addict and she never drank when we were together.
3. Her girlfriend left her and shes trying to get back into my life - the emails seemed pretty cold and she didn't initiate a response by asking a question.

When I'm dealing with the public....I have a completely separate dialog in my head then what actually comes out of my mouth. I cant decide if I'm really a mean bitter person....or if dealing with stupid, angry, mean, ridiculous, self centered people all day long has changed me to hate everyone really.

As Im typing this I have a customer standing in front of me - screaming at me, telling me shes going to cancel service if I dont do something for her. Ok.
1. dont yell at me. I didnt do anything to you. if you come in and ask me nicely to do something for you....I might actually do it. If you yell then fuck you. Why should I? belive me - they dont pay me enough to have you yell at me just because you feel like it.
2. dont act like an idiot. I cant stand people who are stupid.


OMG ok so my ex Shawnda just emailed me. Thats crazy. 2 years ago I had a restraining order on her....this day cant get any worse!

mc-fry me up

Ok so I officially start a diet, gym, thing tomorrow....well today-ish...but I ruined it today. I ran to mcdonalds today for lunch and little did I know that was going to do me in.

According my my nifty iphone app lose it! to lose weight...I can ingest 1,826 calories per day. Yeah. I did over that for lunch - mean granted I went to mcdonalds...but still.

So now I HAVE to go to the gym. I didnt want to. Im exhausted today....but I paid for the gym membership so I should use it. right? sigh. right.

Twilight

Ok so I saw twilight last night....and I can completely see how a teenager would fall in love with that movie. It was dark but not too dark and it had a very different but exciting love story. I personally gave it 3 out of 4 stars.

I had a dream....

Last night I had the weirdest dream...

I dreamt that Shawnda (my ex) and I moved out to Arizona. I hated it. I was lonely, I hated Shawnda, I was bored, and generally just miserable. I ended up moving home in the middle of the night and leaving Shawnda without telling her. I remember that I had to find a truck to move my bookcases and furniture and that somehow that ended up being a really big deal. Then after I moved I was with K.
My dream is fading quickly from my mind so Ill try and get the rest out of my head.
I remember I left K for JP (my ex before shawnda) and when I did it I was so happy. I told her I didn't want to be with her or have anything to do with her. All I remember was the feeling of relief and elation I had when I left her to be with JP. That great feeling lasted till that night when I remember crying and missing her so bad I wanted to die. When I missed her...I felt like I would have given up my heart, my soul, or my life to be with her again.
This dream has left me perplexed.