Gravity

By: Sara Bareilles
(New Song Obsession!)

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

If wishes were horses...

Ok so Im supposed to meet the next person I date this month. I am also (according to tarot cards) supposed to meet her either thru her work or mine.

This has actually caused me a little bit of stress. If I meet her through my work then thats cool - easy - I hand my business card to every lesbian that comes in (no Im not hitting on them...I just like the potential of more business or friends or w/e)

So for the next girl I date - please dont let me meet you thru your work if you are a:
1) Police Officer
2) OBGYN
3) Disaster Relief Help
4) Statie
5) Hospital Worker/Nurse/Doctor
6) EMT

I was right again

So not to brag...but

when Kelly started hanging out with her sister again I told her that her sister was still into drugs. But noooooooo kelly didnt want to believe me.
I told her it wasnt a good idea
I told her not to move in with her
I told her she was no good for her and that she would use her
I told her that her sister dosent actually give a shit about her - all she wants her for is her money
I told her so
I TOLD HER SO

So I get home last night and Kelly was making dinner. She had asked if she could spend the night at the apartment because "she wanted to spend some time with tofu" - fine whatever. I dont really care. I look on the coffee table and theres a tub of vicks vapo rub on the table. So I ask her why its there. Her immediate responce is my nose hurts. OK Im not an idiot I know her nose hurts. So I ask WHY does it hurt. She immediately lies to me - "I must be coming down with a cold" (*cough*bullshit*cough*). So I tell her I know shes lying. I know how she is when she comes down with a cold and she wasnt acting sick at all. So after repeating myself three times - she comes clean and tells me what I already knew.

How long till my luck runs out?

So I realize in the course of my lifetime Ive been lucky. Ive had two people fall in love with me...to the point that I knew that those two people would never leave me. Those are the same two people that I have left.

First was my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for 5 yrs and panicked when he decided he was going to propose to me.

Second is Kelly. If I hadnt left her she never would have left me. I know this....

So my question is - will this ever happen again? I assume there is a limit to the number of people who will fall in love with you during your lifetime....and I wonder what my max number is.


So Kelly is still living at my apartment but only for now. She told me she will be out by friday. I keep telling her that I would rather have her stay with me till she finds a place of her own....but she has started talking to her low life dead beat sister again so her sister has convinced her to move in with her. I keep telling kelly shes going to get depressed if she stays there - plus her sister will take everything she has and never even think twice about it. Kelly has actually aquired some kind of nice stuff in the year or two she hasnt talked to her sister (granted I bought it all for her - but whatever). I just need to let go....let go....let go....

Today November 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009 Kelly and I are no longer domestic partners. (I have always like the way that sounds...but have never actually gotten a chance to use that phrase - so I will today) She went down to the courthouse in cambridge and unregistered us and then called and had my insurance canceled.

Im taking a trip...a guilt trip.

Oct 28, 2009 1:09PM - I have to say im a little sad today knowing that next week im not going to see your beautiful face everyday. :-(

Oct 28, 2009 5:16PM - I have to go to the doctors on friday ill stop by there on my way back. Did you remember the paperwork? My stomach turns everytime i write that.
(shes refering to our domestic partnership termination paperwork - which I only agreed to because she needed insurance at the time)

My decision for the end

So a few months ago I went to a party at my friend Pop Icons house (his real name is Marc). While there I got a card reading from a guy (Raven) that everyone at that party swore by. I have never really put much stock in tarot card readings before....probably because Ive had some really shitty ones in my day (for example I had one done in Ptown when I was younger and that lady told me I was going to work with kids someday - yeah right). I know what everyone says about "fortune tellers" - that they look for your reactions to things and they tell you what you want to hear *cough*johnedwards*cough*. So I decided I was going to walk into this reading with a poker face. Yup I wasnt going to give a damn thing away and I just wanted to see what this guy could possibly come up with. So we sit down and he asks me if I have any specific questions for the universe. Ah ha! Trick #1....he wants me to give something away!! So I play all nonchalant...nope nothing I want to know about. He starts laying cards on the table and guessing by the artwork on the cards I should have been dead and decaying about 2 weeks ago. So he starts telling me that I am moving into a calmer time in my life, that I am not happy in the relationship I am in, that the person Im with right now is a liar and "probably dosent believe half the shit that comes out of her mouth". I was also told that I would come into some trouble with the law in the next 7 weeks (I ended up going to court with Kelly cause she was being sued by a dentist) and that if I didnt take care of breaking up with Kelly now that she could hang around for another 2 years! He also told me that I would meet a leo in November either through her work or through mine and that she would ask me out pretty quickly.

So mystery lady - I should meet you sometime after next week!

Maybe this card reading was crap...maybe Ill be alone for the next 30 years of my life...maybe Ill fail miserably at being alone....and maybe this is was the best decision I could have made. Either way - this event gave me the strength to break up with Kelly once and for all.

So thank you tarot card readings.

That brings us current. Kelly and I have broken up. She didnt pay rent last month and she said she will be out by the 3rd of next month. Im a little panicked about her leaving because to be honest - Ive never lived alone before ever. I moved from my parents house in with my boyfriend, dated and moved my next girlfriend in WITH my ex boyfriend, moved her out and started dating Kelly while he was still living with me, then he moved out and here we are. What if something happens to the dog while Im alone and I dont know what to do? What if I need to bring my car to the shop? What if I slip and fall and hurt myself? What if theres a spider? I havent had to kill a spider myself EVER. I realize that Im panicking about some weird things...but those are my fears.

So here I go....into the calmer period in my life....without Kelly.....this time shes moving out because of my choosing....

And so - the end. Again.

wow, insomnia, K, and misery

so those are the 4 things have have dominated my life lately.

wow - yes world of warcraft has become my life....probably because Im trying to escape from my own
insomnia - is a product of wow. I get home, sleep (so I dont have to deal with K), wake up around 9:30, play wow till 5am, sleep, work, rinse, and repeat.
K - I have been trying to figure out how to make her break up with me for over a month now. I have tried the being distant and cold thing and she just wont leave!
misery - is a product of trying to make K miserable I am making myself miserable. Awesome idea right? Im still too chicken shit to tell her I dont want to be with her. Hopefully she gets the damn hint soon!

I dont know whats the matter with me lately. Ive been mean to pretty much everyone. Im pretty sure that it has something to do with lack of sleep, work stress, and K stress. They completely cut our comission so if K leaves I dont know if Ill make rent. If K stays Im going to continue to be miserable. what a catch 22.

I dont know how to end it either. Everyone is telling me just to grow balls and tell her its over. I cant. I dont know why. I want her to leave me. I dont want the responsibility. I mean....what if its the wrong decision. If she leaves then I can still take her back....if I leave her then its really over.