Weakness in me

So I let her come back ....but just to stay for a few days (definitely NOT permanently- I like having my apartment to myself too much)

I think I let her back because Im kind of heart broken about this dom. I realize that I am not allowing myself to feel it...either because of denial or because I guarded my heart well this time. Either way - I know Im upset about it and my pride definitely hurts. The sad thing is I feel like I keep going back to kelly because of it.

The whole thing makes me think of this song:
Why do you come here
When you know Ive got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know I cant answer the phone

And made me lie
When I dont want to
Make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool
Make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me

Oh Hell No

What. The. Fuck.

Yup I dont even know what else to say to this:
(background story: I called Kel on easter because I wanted to see her again. When she called me back hours later I could tell she was high. She claimed she was drunk and out at a bar...but come on - a bar on easter? at 2 am? yeah right.)

Apr 6, 2010 11:05 AM
Whats up?
Can I come home for a month or so
Steph i know your mad at me but you need to let up a little and call me or text me. I know you miss me. So please lets not play the not talking game.

All of those were from her....randomly this morning.
I cant decide to respond with ...."fuck you", "hell no", "I dont want your drama anymore", "go try one of your other whores because thats how youve decided to treat me", or just not respond at all.

The more I think on it...the more baffled I am. Not even an apology. Nothing. She has such big balls.

I wonder when shes being evicted.
Another bridge shes burned.

twitter

*warning*
Im in a mood today....so Im going to swear more than usual. (This is what it sounds like to talk to me usually)

Ok so I created my twitter account....mostly to follow certain celebs (*cough*lindsay*cough*lohan*cough*samantha*cough) but dont tell anyone I know because Ill deny deny deny it.
Anywaaay - so I actually found a real life friend on there....and now the anonimity that I so adored with twitter is gone. I cant make my posts sappy, pathetic, and stupid like I was doing before....I actually have to think about what Im posting and try to be witty. Damn. Too much work for me. Thank god for blogger because I know that noone reads this damn thing.

So the top I was talking to went on vacation for a week...and now I havent heard from her since (its been 2 weeks). I figured with the holiday that she was probably busy but I dont know now. The only reason Im hesitatant to give up on her was because she was fucking perfect. She was exactly what I was looking for....and I had even met her and KNEW I liked her. Sigh.

Then Kelly....who has been in and out of my life/apartment since we broke up. First she would stop by for a day, then two, then three, then a week....now she got paid so I havent heard from her since then. When am I going to stop letting her use me?! I think Im just a sucker for someone who can say "I love you". I blame my parents. I dont think I heard it enough as a kid. Its so easy to blame them. (on a side note - that the exact reason that I dont want kids. No matter how hard you try or how good of a parent you are - your kids still resent/blame you)

I am ok living on my own when I have shit to distract me....I had that top and W.O.W. to distract me for a while but now Im back on that slippery slope into depression. I hate this feeling.

Ready

I'm ready for Kelly to go home. She has stayed for 3 nights and I feel like Ive gone backwards. I got all pissy with her because she was at my house and then went and played WOW for the night.



I'm getting frustrated with my dom but I'm not sure how to approach it. I know where I stand (she has a kid and she is taking care of her grandmother who is 88) and its at the bottom of the priority list....I'm sort of OK with that because Ive known for a while that shes a busy person. Now comes the frustration part - we've been talking for a little over a month now (my post was put up on cl on feb 8th) and in that time Ive met her once for little little less than an hour. Yup. A month and shes managed to squeeze me into her life for less than a hour. Granted its not for lack of trying (I will give her that). She has made plans with me twice that she has had to cancel either because of family issues or because her babysitter bailed out on her. Its still frustrating. I'm torn between wanting to tell her it has to happen soon and wanting to give her the space and time that I know she needs. I do have to say I have been so much better about dealing with my anticipation and frustration when I don't hear from her for hours at a time....which I think in some weird way shows either maturity or a new ability to guard my heart.

So that brings me to another fear - I'm kind of worried that I might start to fall for her. Ive always been a sucker for 1.) older women 2.) intelligence 3.) confidence and 4.) being in touch with their sexuality. This woman fits the bill on everything.

I got this message from her the other day:
"I want those images to be your last thought at night and your first in the morning. I want them to crowd your dreams and distract your days"
I said something here about what she said being poetic
"I believe that words, when used well, are very powerful. Really, its words that have drawn you in. Words that have held you...."

God damn how can you NOT fall for something like that....







I need to lose weight.

Sex sex and more sex

So I feel like Ive been hyper-sexual lately....

Kelly came over on Sunday and we pretty much spent the last 2 days fucking....

I dont want to get back together with her but it was so nice to have that comfort and that fun of sleeping with someone you know well....plus the dom/top/mistress that Ive been talking to has backed out of our first play session twice now.

Ive also been obsessed with Nina Hartley....I find her sooooo attractive. Shes incredibly smart and she likes dominating women.....shes the perfect bed mate.

Ok so I still cant believe that I posted an add for a dom.....I was so high when I did it that Im surprised my add even made sense. Im not saying that I hadn't thought about being dominated but I probably never would have posted an add if I weren't inebriated. Maybe its a good thing.

Wow its been a while....

So my life has been kind of crazy (whos hasnt tho right?) I guess Im just a little self absorbed like that (plus no one reads this but me anyway lol)

Lets recap....

Kelly has moved out completely. I revamped my apartment on my week vacation to remove any mark of hers that I could.

I am actually OK with being alone.

I have decided to conquer my fear of therapists and try and find one to talk to.

I decided to dabble in BDSM (yea it hasnt work out so far).

I got twittered my Nina Hartley - Yes I am obsessed.

I am still obsessed with the song Gravity (see previous post).

I quit the guild Hells Crusaders (WOW reference).

Beautiful Day

Ok so its actually a really pretty fall day today - granted that could be because Im inside (Ive heard its really cold out there) and all I can see are great big windows.

Ok, its 4:30pm and ITS ALREADY DARK! Seriously?! I dont remember it getting this dark this early....sigh.