Im taking a trip...a guilt trip.

Oct 28, 2009 1:09PM - I have to say im a little sad today knowing that next week im not going to see your beautiful face everyday. :-(

Oct 28, 2009 5:16PM - I have to go to the doctors on friday ill stop by there on my way back. Did you remember the paperwork? My stomach turns everytime i write that.
(shes refering to our domestic partnership termination paperwork - which I only agreed to because she needed insurance at the time)

My decision for the end

So a few months ago I went to a party at my friend Pop Icons house (his real name is Marc). While there I got a card reading from a guy (Raven) that everyone at that party swore by. I have never really put much stock in tarot card readings before....probably because Ive had some really shitty ones in my day (for example I had one done in Ptown when I was younger and that lady told me I was going to work with kids someday - yeah right). I know what everyone says about "fortune tellers" - that they look for your reactions to things and they tell you what you want to hear *cough*johnedwards*cough*. So I decided I was going to walk into this reading with a poker face. Yup I wasnt going to give a damn thing away and I just wanted to see what this guy could possibly come up with. So we sit down and he asks me if I have any specific questions for the universe. Ah ha! Trick #1....he wants me to give something away!! So I play all nonchalant...nope nothing I want to know about. He starts laying cards on the table and guessing by the artwork on the cards I should have been dead and decaying about 2 weeks ago. So he starts telling me that I am moving into a calmer time in my life, that I am not happy in the relationship I am in, that the person Im with right now is a liar and "probably dosent believe half the shit that comes out of her mouth". I was also told that I would come into some trouble with the law in the next 7 weeks (I ended up going to court with Kelly cause she was being sued by a dentist) and that if I didnt take care of breaking up with Kelly now that she could hang around for another 2 years! He also told me that I would meet a leo in November either through her work or through mine and that she would ask me out pretty quickly.

So mystery lady - I should meet you sometime after next week!

Maybe this card reading was crap...maybe Ill be alone for the next 30 years of my life...maybe Ill fail miserably at being alone....and maybe this is was the best decision I could have made. Either way - this event gave me the strength to break up with Kelly once and for all.

So thank you tarot card readings.

That brings us current. Kelly and I have broken up. She didnt pay rent last month and she said she will be out by the 3rd of next month. Im a little panicked about her leaving because to be honest - Ive never lived alone before ever. I moved from my parents house in with my boyfriend, dated and moved my next girlfriend in WITH my ex boyfriend, moved her out and started dating Kelly while he was still living with me, then he moved out and here we are. What if something happens to the dog while Im alone and I dont know what to do? What if I need to bring my car to the shop? What if I slip and fall and hurt myself? What if theres a spider? I havent had to kill a spider myself EVER. I realize that Im panicking about some weird things...but those are my fears.

So here I go....into the calmer period in my life....without Kelly.....this time shes moving out because of my choosing....

And so - the end. Again.

wow, insomnia, K, and misery

so those are the 4 things have have dominated my life lately.

wow - yes world of warcraft has become my life....probably because Im trying to escape from my own
insomnia - is a product of wow. I get home, sleep (so I dont have to deal with K), wake up around 9:30, play wow till 5am, sleep, work, rinse, and repeat.
K - I have been trying to figure out how to make her break up with me for over a month now. I have tried the being distant and cold thing and she just wont leave!
misery - is a product of trying to make K miserable I am making myself miserable. Awesome idea right? Im still too chicken shit to tell her I dont want to be with her. Hopefully she gets the damn hint soon!

I dont know whats the matter with me lately. Ive been mean to pretty much everyone. Im pretty sure that it has something to do with lack of sleep, work stress, and K stress. They completely cut our comission so if K leaves I dont know if Ill make rent. If K stays Im going to continue to be miserable. what a catch 22.

I dont know how to end it either. Everyone is telling me just to grow balls and tell her its over. I cant. I dont know why. I want her to leave me. I dont want the responsibility. I mean....what if its the wrong decision. If she leaves then I can still take her back....if I leave her then its really over.

Bear week - Ptown

So my friend B and I went to ptown for bear week (we only went the weekend)

Time to subject u to pictures!!!

Arriving In Ptown
(Pilgrim Monument)

Bear Weekend at the wave bar

At Vixen

(it was dead...but it was bear weekend)

At Ross' Grill

(great food btw - but our waitress sucked)

This morning K went to a friends house for a psychic reading and a party. I don't put much stock in psychics. This one told her that she would buy an island (k had talked about how cool it would be to own your own island so that you can make all the rules that you want), that k was going to work for the state, that she wants and would get a baby (not if I have anything to say about it), and that she and I have been rocky and that we would break up. Ok so out of all of those crazy things the only one that has any chance of coming true is that she and I would break up. Not us breaking up (again) would be a big shock to anyone.

Twitter

Ok so I found out that you can blog via text messages...thats dangerous.

I also found twitter. Im not sure how I feel about it yet but I figured since no one actaully reads my blog I can put my twitter page up there (and yes I AM following LiLo on twitter....)
http://twitter.com/torncreed

So after the best birthday party in the world I ended up with the worst cold. Ive been out of work for 5 days and Im finally back and ready-ish to work. I wish I could be independently rich and not have to work....sigh.

K called and begged to come home about an hour after the last post. The party was the best I've ever had and went until 1 am. Then I got sick the next day and I've had a bad cold since then. Being sick is the worst.