Bruised but not broken

The last few months have really been interesting. Ill do the bullet points because really.....its just too much to take in any other way.

• Kelly moved back in for about a month
• she then found an apartment and moved out (lots of drama with her thinking her car was getting keyed while she was at my house and things...she was miserable to be around and I was glad when she left)
• she has asked to come back because she got evicted....Ive told her no
• Kelly moved back in with her sister
• I let her visit for one day (only because she just showed up at my work) and thats the day I realized I couldnt take it anymore (she had crack pipe burns on her arm, she had lost weight, she tricked her dr into giving her more pain meds, she was off her psych meds, and she sat on my couch and cried for an hour. PLUS she tried to have sex with me and got really mad when I told her no)
• I have cut her out of my life completely (no talking, no texting, no nothing - she didnt take it well)
• the Top I was talking to has disappeared - she got beat up by someone she took home and is (I assume) still recovering
• I decided not to wait around for her
• I joined a womans kink group called MOB (membership is still pending lol)
• After lots of heartache and searching I think Ive found someone else *crosses fingers*

Wow that was a quick sum up of 5 months. Its been eventful, heartbreaking, and painful but Ive survived it.

Interestingly, Ive only just realized how much Kelly has really scarred me. I find myself freaking out and playing games when I NEVER DID THAT BEFORE! What is going on with me?! I know in my heart that I trust this new person but I cant stop crazy thoughts from flashing through my mind. Damn you Kelly......what have you done to me? I really really hope I can overcome this because I dont want to drive this new person away. I think its good that I realize what Im doing but I need to make sure I keep myself under control (not an easy thing for me to do when I start falling for someone).

The other thing I should probably mention about this new relationship is that it is a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. Crazy....I know. I went searching for a Top (someone who would set up "play dates" and then leave and we go about our lives) and found a potential Mistress (my heart actually stopped before I typed that - in a panicky way). Sometimes I sit back and think, "what the hell are you doing?!" and then other times I think "this is where I should be".

Another yr older....

So I am officially 27.

um.....I never thought Id get to the point where I wasnt looking forward to birthdays anymore....but thats the point Im at this year.

I think Ive given up on that dom. Im not sure if I posted this or not but she started talking to me again. She claimed that her ex had taken her phone away from her and she said she was sorry....but she still has yet to come back at me with a date to meet. Whatever, thats fine....but I am quickly reaching the end of my patience.

So this is my dissillusioned & cranky happy birthday wish to myself.

Kendall

So I have decided that Kendall is my Peter Pan.

I dont want to be Wendy...but I dont have a choice. I cant NOT grow up.


She wants to continue to be a kid for as long as she can....and she leads her merry band of lost boys with her. I wish I was joking. She has found her ring leader, Kyle, and they pretend to be in high school still....even though were getting closer and closer to 30 (I think Kendall actually hit it this year). They find people like dumpster Mike and Billy and Fish who wish they could relive that time in their life too....and all they do is sit in Pennys house and drink.

Even with as much as she is trying to....Kendall cant NOT grow up either. She is getting divorced, which we all knew was inevitable, but is also a rather grown up thing to do. Well, the divorce part of it...not the breaking up with someone part of it. She wanted Kevin to be Fish and when he wasnt.....well...... Fish is engaged now to someone that Kendall used to look up to and aspire to be like. She used to tell me about Shannon and how she shaped so much of herself based off her. I wonder how much their engagement is killing her...but then thats the joys of Kendall....even if you asked her she would never admit that it hurts her. To be honest, I dont think Kendall even admits it to herself.

For as long as I can remember Ive wanted to be an adult. Now that Im here....well....Im not sure what to do with myself.

Kendall was my best friend for years....and now I havent spoken with her in over a year. Its sad really. I miss my friend.

high ramblings

So here I am....thinking about that fucking dom again. I just cant get her out of my mind.

It drives me crazy that for 2 months I had someone....who told me she would do every fantasy Ive ever had....or ever even thought of having and now shes just gone. For no reason. With no explanation.

I have, in my high state tonight, come up with a new theory for why I got dropped like a hot potato. She kept saying how messed up her life was....and how everything seemed to be going wrong (things did seem to keep happening...a string of very bad luck). I wonder if she thought I was the cause of all her problems. I never discussed with her if she was religious or superstitious but at least this give me an explanation as to why I would get dropped so suddenly.

Flooding

Ive been meaning to post my pathetic flooding pictures. This is nothing compared to a few of my friend in Rhode Island who actually had to evacuate their apartment due to flooding (theyre still not bad in yet....the eta is Wed to finally move back in)

I swear this woman was going to lose her car at some point....I still dont know why she didnt move it.

So throwing away my trash has been an adventure....I dont own rain boots.....and that green thing in the middle of the pond that used to be the parking lot is the dumpster. Fun times.

Weakness in me

So I let her come back ....but just to stay for a few days (definitely NOT permanently- I like having my apartment to myself too much)

I think I let her back because Im kind of heart broken about this dom. I realize that I am not allowing myself to feel it...either because of denial or because I guarded my heart well this time. Either way - I know Im upset about it and my pride definitely hurts. The sad thing is I feel like I keep going back to kelly because of it.

The whole thing makes me think of this song:
Why do you come here
When you know Ive got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know I cant answer the phone

And made me lie
When I dont want to
Make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool
Make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me

Oh Hell No

What. The. Fuck.

Yup I dont even know what else to say to this:
(background story: I called Kel on easter because I wanted to see her again. When she called me back hours later I could tell she was high. She claimed she was drunk and out at a bar...but come on - a bar on easter? at 2 am? yeah right.)

Apr 6, 2010 11:05 AM
Whats up?
Can I come home for a month or so
Steph i know your mad at me but you need to let up a little and call me or text me. I know you miss me. So please lets not play the not talking game.

All of those were from her....randomly this morning.
I cant decide to respond with ...."fuck you", "hell no", "I dont want your drama anymore", "go try one of your other whores because thats how youve decided to treat me", or just not respond at all.

The more I think on it...the more baffled I am. Not even an apology. Nothing. She has such big balls.

I wonder when shes being evicted.
Another bridge shes burned.

twitter

*warning*
Im in a mood today....so Im going to swear more than usual. (This is what it sounds like to talk to me usually)

Ok so I created my twitter account....mostly to follow certain celebs (*cough*lindsay*cough*lohan*cough*samantha*cough) but dont tell anyone I know because Ill deny deny deny it.
Anywaaay - so I actually found a real life friend on there....and now the anonimity that I so adored with twitter is gone. I cant make my posts sappy, pathetic, and stupid like I was doing before....I actually have to think about what Im posting and try to be witty. Damn. Too much work for me. Thank god for blogger because I know that noone reads this damn thing.

So the top I was talking to went on vacation for a week...and now I havent heard from her since (its been 2 weeks). I figured with the holiday that she was probably busy but I dont know now. The only reason Im hesitatant to give up on her was because she was fucking perfect. She was exactly what I was looking for....and I had even met her and KNEW I liked her. Sigh.

Then Kelly....who has been in and out of my life/apartment since we broke up. First she would stop by for a day, then two, then three, then a week....now she got paid so I havent heard from her since then. When am I going to stop letting her use me?! I think Im just a sucker for someone who can say "I love you". I blame my parents. I dont think I heard it enough as a kid. Its so easy to blame them. (on a side note - that the exact reason that I dont want kids. No matter how hard you try or how good of a parent you are - your kids still resent/blame you)

I am ok living on my own when I have shit to distract me....I had that top and W.O.W. to distract me for a while but now Im back on that slippery slope into depression. I hate this feeling.

Ready

I'm ready for Kelly to go home. She has stayed for 3 nights and I feel like Ive gone backwards. I got all pissy with her because she was at my house and then went and played WOW for the night.



I'm getting frustrated with my dom but I'm not sure how to approach it. I know where I stand (she has a kid and she is taking care of her grandmother who is 88) and its at the bottom of the priority list....I'm sort of OK with that because Ive known for a while that shes a busy person. Now comes the frustration part - we've been talking for a little over a month now (my post was put up on cl on feb 8th) and in that time Ive met her once for little little less than an hour. Yup. A month and shes managed to squeeze me into her life for less than a hour. Granted its not for lack of trying (I will give her that). She has made plans with me twice that she has had to cancel either because of family issues or because her babysitter bailed out on her. Its still frustrating. I'm torn between wanting to tell her it has to happen soon and wanting to give her the space and time that I know she needs. I do have to say I have been so much better about dealing with my anticipation and frustration when I don't hear from her for hours at a time....which I think in some weird way shows either maturity or a new ability to guard my heart.

So that brings me to another fear - I'm kind of worried that I might start to fall for her. Ive always been a sucker for 1.) older women 2.) intelligence 3.) confidence and 4.) being in touch with their sexuality. This woman fits the bill on everything.

I got this message from her the other day:
"I want those images to be your last thought at night and your first in the morning. I want them to crowd your dreams and distract your days"
I said something here about what she said being poetic
"I believe that words, when used well, are very powerful. Really, its words that have drawn you in. Words that have held you...."

God damn how can you NOT fall for something like that....







I need to lose weight.

Sex sex and more sex

So I feel like Ive been hyper-sexual lately....

Kelly came over on Sunday and we pretty much spent the last 2 days fucking....

I dont want to get back together with her but it was so nice to have that comfort and that fun of sleeping with someone you know well....plus the dom/top/mistress that Ive been talking to has backed out of our first play session twice now.

Ive also been obsessed with Nina Hartley....I find her sooooo attractive. Shes incredibly smart and she likes dominating women.....shes the perfect bed mate.

Ok so I still cant believe that I posted an add for a dom.....I was so high when I did it that Im surprised my add even made sense. Im not saying that I hadn't thought about being dominated but I probably never would have posted an add if I weren't inebriated. Maybe its a good thing.

Wow its been a while....

So my life has been kind of crazy (whos hasnt tho right?) I guess Im just a little self absorbed like that (plus no one reads this but me anyway lol)

Lets recap....

Kelly has moved out completely. I revamped my apartment on my week vacation to remove any mark of hers that I could.

I am actually OK with being alone.

I have decided to conquer my fear of therapists and try and find one to talk to.

I decided to dabble in BDSM (yea it hasnt work out so far).

I got twittered my Nina Hartley - Yes I am obsessed.

I am still obsessed with the song Gravity (see previous post).

I quit the guild Hells Crusaders (WOW reference).

Beautiful Day

Ok so its actually a really pretty fall day today - granted that could be because Im inside (Ive heard its really cold out there) and all I can see are great big windows.

Ok, its 4:30pm and ITS ALREADY DARK! Seriously?! I dont remember it getting this dark this early....sigh.

Gravity

By: Sara Bareilles
(New Song Obsession!)

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

If wishes were horses...

Ok so Im supposed to meet the next person I date this month. I am also (according to tarot cards) supposed to meet her either thru her work or mine.

This has actually caused me a little bit of stress. If I meet her through my work then thats cool - easy - I hand my business card to every lesbian that comes in (no Im not hitting on them...I just like the potential of more business or friends or w/e)

So for the next girl I date - please dont let me meet you thru your work if you are a:
1) Police Officer
2) OBGYN
3) Disaster Relief Help
4) Statie
5) Hospital Worker/Nurse/Doctor
6) EMT

I was right again

So not to brag...but

when Kelly started hanging out with her sister again I told her that her sister was still into drugs. But noooooooo kelly didnt want to believe me.
I told her it wasnt a good idea
I told her not to move in with her
I told her she was no good for her and that she would use her
I told her that her sister dosent actually give a shit about her - all she wants her for is her money
I told her so
I TOLD HER SO

So I get home last night and Kelly was making dinner. She had asked if she could spend the night at the apartment because "she wanted to spend some time with tofu" - fine whatever. I dont really care. I look on the coffee table and theres a tub of vicks vapo rub on the table. So I ask her why its there. Her immediate responce is my nose hurts. OK Im not an idiot I know her nose hurts. So I ask WHY does it hurt. She immediately lies to me - "I must be coming down with a cold" (*cough*bullshit*cough*). So I tell her I know shes lying. I know how she is when she comes down with a cold and she wasnt acting sick at all. So after repeating myself three times - she comes clean and tells me what I already knew.

How long till my luck runs out?

So I realize in the course of my lifetime Ive been lucky. Ive had two people fall in love with me...to the point that I knew that those two people would never leave me. Those are the same two people that I have left.

First was my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for 5 yrs and panicked when he decided he was going to propose to me.

Second is Kelly. If I hadnt left her she never would have left me. I know this....

So my question is - will this ever happen again? I assume there is a limit to the number of people who will fall in love with you during your lifetime....and I wonder what my max number is.


So Kelly is still living at my apartment but only for now. She told me she will be out by friday. I keep telling her that I would rather have her stay with me till she finds a place of her own....but she has started talking to her low life dead beat sister again so her sister has convinced her to move in with her. I keep telling kelly shes going to get depressed if she stays there - plus her sister will take everything she has and never even think twice about it. Kelly has actually aquired some kind of nice stuff in the year or two she hasnt talked to her sister (granted I bought it all for her - but whatever). I just need to let go....let go....let go....

Today November 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009 Kelly and I are no longer domestic partners. (I have always like the way that sounds...but have never actually gotten a chance to use that phrase - so I will today) She went down to the courthouse in cambridge and unregistered us and then called and had my insurance canceled.

Im taking a trip...a guilt trip.

Oct 28, 2009 1:09PM - I have to say im a little sad today knowing that next week im not going to see your beautiful face everyday. :-(

Oct 28, 2009 5:16PM - I have to go to the doctors on friday ill stop by there on my way back. Did you remember the paperwork? My stomach turns everytime i write that.
(shes refering to our domestic partnership termination paperwork - which I only agreed to because she needed insurance at the time)

My decision for the end

So a few months ago I went to a party at my friend Pop Icons house (his real name is Marc). While there I got a card reading from a guy (Raven) that everyone at that party swore by. I have never really put much stock in tarot card readings before....probably because Ive had some really shitty ones in my day (for example I had one done in Ptown when I was younger and that lady told me I was going to work with kids someday - yeah right). I know what everyone says about "fortune tellers" - that they look for your reactions to things and they tell you what you want to hear *cough*johnedwards*cough*. So I decided I was going to walk into this reading with a poker face. Yup I wasnt going to give a damn thing away and I just wanted to see what this guy could possibly come up with. So we sit down and he asks me if I have any specific questions for the universe. Ah ha! Trick #1....he wants me to give something away!! So I play all nonchalant...nope nothing I want to know about. He starts laying cards on the table and guessing by the artwork on the cards I should have been dead and decaying about 2 weeks ago. So he starts telling me that I am moving into a calmer time in my life, that I am not happy in the relationship I am in, that the person Im with right now is a liar and "probably dosent believe half the shit that comes out of her mouth". I was also told that I would come into some trouble with the law in the next 7 weeks (I ended up going to court with Kelly cause she was being sued by a dentist) and that if I didnt take care of breaking up with Kelly now that she could hang around for another 2 years! He also told me that I would meet a leo in November either through her work or through mine and that she would ask me out pretty quickly.

So mystery lady - I should meet you sometime after next week!

Maybe this card reading was crap...maybe Ill be alone for the next 30 years of my life...maybe Ill fail miserably at being alone....and maybe this is was the best decision I could have made. Either way - this event gave me the strength to break up with Kelly once and for all.

So thank you tarot card readings.

That brings us current. Kelly and I have broken up. She didnt pay rent last month and she said she will be out by the 3rd of next month. Im a little panicked about her leaving because to be honest - Ive never lived alone before ever. I moved from my parents house in with my boyfriend, dated and moved my next girlfriend in WITH my ex boyfriend, moved her out and started dating Kelly while he was still living with me, then he moved out and here we are. What if something happens to the dog while Im alone and I dont know what to do? What if I need to bring my car to the shop? What if I slip and fall and hurt myself? What if theres a spider? I havent had to kill a spider myself EVER. I realize that Im panicking about some weird things...but those are my fears.

So here I go....into the calmer period in my life....without Kelly.....this time shes moving out because of my choosing....

And so - the end. Again.

wow, insomnia, K, and misery

so those are the 4 things have have dominated my life lately.

wow - yes world of warcraft has become my life....probably because Im trying to escape from my own
insomnia - is a product of wow. I get home, sleep (so I dont have to deal with K), wake up around 9:30, play wow till 5am, sleep, work, rinse, and repeat.
K - I have been trying to figure out how to make her break up with me for over a month now. I have tried the being distant and cold thing and she just wont leave!
misery - is a product of trying to make K miserable I am making myself miserable. Awesome idea right? Im still too chicken shit to tell her I dont want to be with her. Hopefully she gets the damn hint soon!

I dont know whats the matter with me lately. Ive been mean to pretty much everyone. Im pretty sure that it has something to do with lack of sleep, work stress, and K stress. They completely cut our comission so if K leaves I dont know if Ill make rent. If K stays Im going to continue to be miserable. what a catch 22.

I dont know how to end it either. Everyone is telling me just to grow balls and tell her its over. I cant. I dont know why. I want her to leave me. I dont want the responsibility. I mean....what if its the wrong decision. If she leaves then I can still take her back....if I leave her then its really over.

Bear week - Ptown

So my friend B and I went to ptown for bear week (we only went the weekend)

Time to subject u to pictures!!!

Arriving In Ptown
(Pilgrim Monument)

Bear Weekend at the wave bar

At Vixen

(it was dead...but it was bear weekend)

At Ross' Grill

(great food btw - but our waitress sucked)