Bruised but not broken

The last few months have really been interesting. Ill do the bullet points because really.....its just too much to take in any other way.

• Kelly moved back in for about a month
• she then found an apartment and moved out (lots of drama with her thinking her car was getting keyed while she was at my house and things...she was miserable to be around and I was glad when she left)
• she has asked to come back because she got evicted....Ive told her no
• Kelly moved back in with her sister
• I let her visit for one day (only because she just showed up at my work) and thats the day I realized I couldnt take it anymore (she had crack pipe burns on her arm, she had lost weight, she tricked her dr into giving her more pain meds, she was off her psych meds, and she sat on my couch and cried for an hour. PLUS she tried to have sex with me and got really mad when I told her no)
• I have cut her out of my life completely (no talking, no texting, no nothing - she didnt take it well)
• the Top I was talking to has disappeared - she got beat up by someone she took home and is (I assume) still recovering
• I decided not to wait around for her
• I joined a womans kink group called MOB (membership is still pending lol)
• After lots of heartache and searching I think Ive found someone else *crosses fingers*

Wow that was a quick sum up of 5 months. Its been eventful, heartbreaking, and painful but Ive survived it.

Interestingly, Ive only just realized how much Kelly has really scarred me. I find myself freaking out and playing games when I NEVER DID THAT BEFORE! What is going on with me?! I know in my heart that I trust this new person but I cant stop crazy thoughts from flashing through my mind. Damn you Kelly......what have you done to me? I really really hope I can overcome this because I dont want to drive this new person away. I think its good that I realize what Im doing but I need to make sure I keep myself under control (not an easy thing for me to do when I start falling for someone).

The other thing I should probably mention about this new relationship is that it is a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. Crazy....I know. I went searching for a Top (someone who would set up "play dates" and then leave and we go about our lives) and found a potential Mistress (my heart actually stopped before I typed that - in a panicky way). Sometimes I sit back and think, "what the hell are you doing?!" and then other times I think "this is where I should be".