Beautiful Day

Ok so its actually a really pretty fall day today - granted that could be because Im inside (Ive heard its really cold out there) and all I can see are great big windows.

Ok, its 4:30pm and ITS ALREADY DARK! Seriously?! I dont remember it getting this dark this early....sigh.

Gravity

By: Sara Bareilles
(New Song Obsession!)

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

If wishes were horses...

Ok so Im supposed to meet the next person I date this month. I am also (according to tarot cards) supposed to meet her either thru her work or mine.

This has actually caused me a little bit of stress. If I meet her through my work then thats cool - easy - I hand my business card to every lesbian that comes in (no Im not hitting on them...I just like the potential of more business or friends or w/e)

So for the next girl I date - please dont let me meet you thru your work if you are a:
1) Police Officer
2) OBGYN
3) Disaster Relief Help
4) Statie
5) Hospital Worker/Nurse/Doctor
6) EMT

I was right again

So not to brag...but

when Kelly started hanging out with her sister again I told her that her sister was still into drugs. But noooooooo kelly didnt want to believe me.
I told her it wasnt a good idea
I told her not to move in with her
I told her she was no good for her and that she would use her
I told her that her sister dosent actually give a shit about her - all she wants her for is her money
I told her so
I TOLD HER SO

So I get home last night and Kelly was making dinner. She had asked if she could spend the night at the apartment because "she wanted to spend some time with tofu" - fine whatever. I dont really care. I look on the coffee table and theres a tub of vicks vapo rub on the table. So I ask her why its there. Her immediate responce is my nose hurts. OK Im not an idiot I know her nose hurts. So I ask WHY does it hurt. She immediately lies to me - "I must be coming down with a cold" (*cough*bullshit*cough*). So I tell her I know shes lying. I know how she is when she comes down with a cold and she wasnt acting sick at all. So after repeating myself three times - she comes clean and tells me what I already knew.

How long till my luck runs out?

So I realize in the course of my lifetime Ive been lucky. Ive had two people fall in love with me...to the point that I knew that those two people would never leave me. Those are the same two people that I have left.

First was my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for 5 yrs and panicked when he decided he was going to propose to me.

Second is Kelly. If I hadnt left her she never would have left me. I know this....

So my question is - will this ever happen again? I assume there is a limit to the number of people who will fall in love with you during your lifetime....and I wonder what my max number is.


So Kelly is still living at my apartment but only for now. She told me she will be out by friday. I keep telling her that I would rather have her stay with me till she finds a place of her own....but she has started talking to her low life dead beat sister again so her sister has convinced her to move in with her. I keep telling kelly shes going to get depressed if she stays there - plus her sister will take everything she has and never even think twice about it. Kelly has actually aquired some kind of nice stuff in the year or two she hasnt talked to her sister (granted I bought it all for her - but whatever). I just need to let go....let go....let go....

Today November 3rd in the year of our Lord 2009 Kelly and I are no longer domestic partners. (I have always like the way that sounds...but have never actually gotten a chance to use that phrase - so I will today) She went down to the courthouse in cambridge and unregistered us and then called and had my insurance canceled.

Im taking a trip...a guilt trip.

Oct 28, 2009 1:09PM - I have to say im a little sad today knowing that next week im not going to see your beautiful face everyday. :-(

Oct 28, 2009 5:16PM - I have to go to the doctors on friday ill stop by there on my way back. Did you remember the paperwork? My stomach turns everytime i write that.
(shes refering to our domestic partnership termination paperwork - which I only agreed to because she needed insurance at the time)

My decision for the end

So a few months ago I went to a party at my friend Pop Icons house (his real name is Marc). While there I got a card reading from a guy (Raven) that everyone at that party swore by. I have never really put much stock in tarot card readings before....probably because Ive had some really shitty ones in my day (for example I had one done in Ptown when I was younger and that lady told me I was going to work with kids someday - yeah right). I know what everyone says about "fortune tellers" - that they look for your reactions to things and they tell you what you want to hear *cough*johnedwards*cough*. So I decided I was going to walk into this reading with a poker face. Yup I wasnt going to give a damn thing away and I just wanted to see what this guy could possibly come up with. So we sit down and he asks me if I have any specific questions for the universe. Ah ha! Trick #1....he wants me to give something away!! So I play all nonchalant...nope nothing I want to know about. He starts laying cards on the table and guessing by the artwork on the cards I should have been dead and decaying about 2 weeks ago. So he starts telling me that I am moving into a calmer time in my life, that I am not happy in the relationship I am in, that the person Im with right now is a liar and "probably dosent believe half the shit that comes out of her mouth". I was also told that I would come into some trouble with the law in the next 7 weeks (I ended up going to court with Kelly cause she was being sued by a dentist) and that if I didnt take care of breaking up with Kelly now that she could hang around for another 2 years! He also told me that I would meet a leo in November either through her work or through mine and that she would ask me out pretty quickly.

So mystery lady - I should meet you sometime after next week!

Maybe this card reading was crap...maybe Ill be alone for the next 30 years of my life...maybe Ill fail miserably at being alone....and maybe this is was the best decision I could have made. Either way - this event gave me the strength to break up with Kelly once and for all.

So thank you tarot card readings.

That brings us current. Kelly and I have broken up. She didnt pay rent last month and she said she will be out by the 3rd of next month. Im a little panicked about her leaving because to be honest - Ive never lived alone before ever. I moved from my parents house in with my boyfriend, dated and moved my next girlfriend in WITH my ex boyfriend, moved her out and started dating Kelly while he was still living with me, then he moved out and here we are. What if something happens to the dog while Im alone and I dont know what to do? What if I need to bring my car to the shop? What if I slip and fall and hurt myself? What if theres a spider? I havent had to kill a spider myself EVER. I realize that Im panicking about some weird things...but those are my fears.

So here I go....into the calmer period in my life....without Kelly.....this time shes moving out because of my choosing....

And so - the end. Again.

wow, insomnia, K, and misery

so those are the 4 things have have dominated my life lately.

wow - yes world of warcraft has become my life....probably because Im trying to escape from my own
insomnia - is a product of wow. I get home, sleep (so I dont have to deal with K), wake up around 9:30, play wow till 5am, sleep, work, rinse, and repeat.
K - I have been trying to figure out how to make her break up with me for over a month now. I have tried the being distant and cold thing and she just wont leave!
misery - is a product of trying to make K miserable I am making myself miserable. Awesome idea right? Im still too chicken shit to tell her I dont want to be with her. Hopefully she gets the damn hint soon!

I dont know whats the matter with me lately. Ive been mean to pretty much everyone. Im pretty sure that it has something to do with lack of sleep, work stress, and K stress. They completely cut our comission so if K leaves I dont know if Ill make rent. If K stays Im going to continue to be miserable. what a catch 22.

I dont know how to end it either. Everyone is telling me just to grow balls and tell her its over. I cant. I dont know why. I want her to leave me. I dont want the responsibility. I mean....what if its the wrong decision. If she leaves then I can still take her back....if I leave her then its really over.

Bear week - Ptown

So my friend B and I went to ptown for bear week (we only went the weekend)

Time to subject u to pictures!!!

Arriving In Ptown
(Pilgrim Monument)

Bear Weekend at the wave bar

At Vixen

(it was dead...but it was bear weekend)

At Ross' Grill

(great food btw - but our waitress sucked)

This morning K went to a friends house for a psychic reading and a party. I don't put much stock in psychics. This one told her that she would buy an island (k had talked about how cool it would be to own your own island so that you can make all the rules that you want), that k was going to work for the state, that she wants and would get a baby (not if I have anything to say about it), and that she and I have been rocky and that we would break up. Ok so out of all of those crazy things the only one that has any chance of coming true is that she and I would break up. Not us breaking up (again) would be a big shock to anyone.

Twitter

Ok so I found out that you can blog via text messages...thats dangerous.

I also found twitter. Im not sure how I feel about it yet but I figured since no one actaully reads my blog I can put my twitter page up there (and yes I AM following LiLo on twitter....)
http://twitter.com/torncreed

So after the best birthday party in the world I ended up with the worst cold. Ive been out of work for 5 days and Im finally back and ready-ish to work. I wish I could be independently rich and not have to work....sigh.

K called and begged to come home about an hour after the last post. The party was the best I've ever had and went until 1 am. Then I got sick the next day and I've had a bad cold since then. Being sick is the worst.

So k was throwing me a bday party today...but when I woke up she started a huge fight and left. Now I have to get ready for my own party by myself. I will never forgive her for this.

On the brain

Since Shawnda emailed me....Ive had her on the brain. I check my email constantly to see if shes emailed me back and I think about checking my email when Im not at work. I dont really want to talk to her or have any type of contact with her but I want to know why she wanted contact with me.

I know my relationship with Shawnda changed me in ways I probably cant even grasp. I guess I would say that I regret that relationship more than any other Ive ever had. I almost wish I could go back in time and erase that time from my past so that I could be the person I was before I met her. But alas you cant do that (at least not in the real world) so Im stuck with the memories and changes she inflicted on me.

All that being said...I dont understand why I want to hear from her.

Bizarre.

Ex's & Emails & TROs....Oh My!

So two days ago I recieved two emails from an ex that I had a TRO against.

First email:
Tue 4/14/2009 3:33 PM
Subject: Sorry.

Steph,

I just wanted to write you something ... saying I'm sorry for hurting you. I never meant too and feel responsible for hurting you. I hope all is well in your endeavors and wish you god speed.

S

Second email:
Tue 4/14/2009 10:29 PM
Subject: sorry

Steph --

I just wanted to send a note to say that I'm sorry for hurting you when all that stuff went down. I never meant to hurt you, so I just wanted to say sorry.

I hope all is well with you.

Again, sorry!

Shawnda


Honestly I don't even know what to say about these. She hasn't emailed me since....but I haven't responded either. I wont.

There are currently 3 theories running around about why she emailed me now:
1. Its near my birthday (April 22nd) - but she didn't send anything last year for my birthday.
2. She has joined some sort of 12 step program - she is definitely not a drug addict and she never drank when we were together.
3. Her girlfriend left her and shes trying to get back into my life - the emails seemed pretty cold and she didn't initiate a response by asking a question.

When I'm dealing with the public....I have a completely separate dialog in my head then what actually comes out of my mouth. I cant decide if I'm really a mean bitter person....or if dealing with stupid, angry, mean, ridiculous, self centered people all day long has changed me to hate everyone really.

As Im typing this I have a customer standing in front of me - screaming at me, telling me shes going to cancel service if I dont do something for her. Ok.
1. dont yell at me. I didnt do anything to you. if you come in and ask me nicely to do something for you....I might actually do it. If you yell then fuck you. Why should I? belive me - they dont pay me enough to have you yell at me just because you feel like it.
2. dont act like an idiot. I cant stand people who are stupid.


OMG ok so my ex Shawnda just emailed me. Thats crazy. 2 years ago I had a restraining order on her....this day cant get any worse!

mc-fry me up

Ok so I officially start a diet, gym, thing tomorrow....well today-ish...but I ruined it today. I ran to mcdonalds today for lunch and little did I know that was going to do me in.

According my my nifty iphone app lose it! to lose weight...I can ingest 1,826 calories per day. Yeah. I did over that for lunch - mean granted I went to mcdonalds...but still.

So now I HAVE to go to the gym. I didnt want to. Im exhausted today....but I paid for the gym membership so I should use it. right? sigh. right.

Twilight

Ok so I saw twilight last night....and I can completely see how a teenager would fall in love with that movie. It was dark but not too dark and it had a very different but exciting love story. I personally gave it 3 out of 4 stars.

I had a dream....

Last night I had the weirdest dream...

I dreamt that Shawnda (my ex) and I moved out to Arizona. I hated it. I was lonely, I hated Shawnda, I was bored, and generally just miserable. I ended up moving home in the middle of the night and leaving Shawnda without telling her. I remember that I had to find a truck to move my bookcases and furniture and that somehow that ended up being a really big deal. Then after I moved I was with K.
My dream is fading quickly from my mind so Ill try and get the rest out of my head.
I remember I left K for JP (my ex before shawnda) and when I did it I was so happy. I told her I didn't want to be with her or have anything to do with her. All I remember was the feeling of relief and elation I had when I left her to be with JP. That great feeling lasted till that night when I remember crying and missing her so bad I wanted to die. When I missed her...I felt like I would have given up my heart, my soul, or my life to be with her again.
This dream has left me perplexed.

Cute new puppy pics

Ok so I should just rename this blog...the Tofu blog.

I stole her ball....can you tell?

Shes watching tv

Shes so silly....she loves sleeping upside down.

My Fav 5

Guys I would sleep with (in no particular order)....if I would ever sleep with guys again....
1. Devon Sawa
2. Ryan Phillippe
3. Dwayne Johnson (yes The Rock)
4. Leonardo DiCaprio
5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Ok so shockingly...that list was a whole lot harder to come up with than I thought it would be! I would have added Heath Ledger if I wasnt creeped out by adding dead people to that list.

Woman I would sleep with (this one will be easy)...
1. Amy Lee (lead singer of evanescence...oh the dirty things I would do to her)
2. Gillian Anderson
3. Melanie Lynskey
4. Lucy Liu
5. Dana Delaney

Mono

So K has mono.

I had mono when I was in college. it sucks. I slept for 2 weeks straight. I feel kinda bad for her...but at the same time I don't because ALL the sickness stuff is starting again. Her tooth hurts, her back hurts, her foot hurts - MY head hurts.

Hey ya know what tho? At least she has friends again. She has immersed herself in dyke drama and since the L word is officially over I need to get my fix from somewhere - hell why not real life?


Anyway other than that...and my new obsession with "puff the magic dragon" things have been pretty boring.

WHO KILLED JENNY?!

Ok so I know its been over a week since the finale but Im still irritated by it.

I mean seriously....wtf?! They didnt answer any questions, there were no happy endings, we didnt get to see enough Lucy Lawless....I mean come on! If youre going to have Lucy Lawless as a guest star then have LOTS of her on the screen.

And WHO KILLED JENNY?!

I realize that there was a rediculous amount of focus on the "unfinished railing" so in all probability she fell due to that....but at least freakin TELL US!

I wanted to see lots of things I didnt get to during this last episode. If I had my way this is what would have happened:
Shane - breaks up with Jenny and gets back together with Molly and lives happily ever after.
Tina - stops trying to see the good in Jenny and moves with Bette to NY.
Bette - gets to kill Jenny. I think she deserves it.
Alice - breaks up with Tasha (I didnt like them from the begining) and dates Melanie Lynsky
Max - gives Bette and Tina his baby and lives happily as a man
Helena - runs away with me. (who doesnt want a rich, gorgeous, woman with an accent??)
Kit - lives happily ever after with her man...errrr wo-man.
Jenny - dies but not before she gets to see how horrible a person she was to mess with everyones lives.

Anyway they announced some BS about watching the interrogation tapes online each week. People you canceled the show, made it a REALLY short season, AND made a shitty finale. Why would I want to watch more?

The snow is melting

Ok so the snow is melting...and you would think this is a great thing right? Well for us of the human variety it is...but for the poor puppy....not so much. Weve had snow on the ground for so long that the puppy cant do her business on anything but snow. So the poor thing runs around the yard to find the teeny tiny snow mound that was left over from plowing to go on. Its kinda funny but kinda upsetting too. Hopefully she will figure out soon that its ok to go on grass. This is a picture of her from the snow storm before last...she still gets so excited when it snows out. She runs around trying to catch the snow flakes in her mouth and when that dosent work she rolls little snow balls with her nose and then jumps after them like they were trying to escape.

Also the dog and cat lately have come to this weird truce. They still fight like...well cats and dogs....but then at other times they sleep together. Its just adorable.

So I came back from vacation last week....and I want to go back ON vacation! It was great. I slept, watched tv, slept, played with the puppy, slept and then slept some more.

So K proposed (sorta) again. We were out at lunch yesterday ...and K hits me with, "so what do you think about me putting a ring away on lay-away?" I said "a ring for what?" (yeah I knew for what but I didnt really want to admit it) and she said "a ring for you...I mean I figure were already domestic partners so we might as well start thinking about marriage". Ugh! I think this got brought up because K started hanging out with her friends again and shes sees just how shitty the dating pool is out there. Not that she wouldnt find someone...but she wouldnt find someone like me again. (not that Im tooting my own horn but....well....toot toot!)

breif update

So I found the joys of facebook....
It is so horribly addicting I cant even tell you.

K and I are doing well? (yes the question mark is in there on purpose)
Weve had some really bumpy ups and downs.
She moved out again....did drugs again.
I made her stay away for a month....and then I let her back in.

Words of Wisdom

Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.