Blown off

(blow off #1)
So last night after I dropped off K, J invited me to spend some time with her and P (just watch movies and make brownies). So I showed up there around 11pm to find J and P on the couch. We were just deciding what movie to watch when J got a phone call....we waited a while for her but she walked into the other room (we took that as a sign that she was going to be a while) so we started a movie. After about an hour and a half P started to fall asleep and J was still talking to her friend so I decided to take my leave. I said good bye to P and J had the door closed to the bedroom so I just left.
Now I must admit here that I was a tad bit heart broken because I had driven over there all the way from Lawrence to see her and she couldnt even take the time to get off the phone and see me. Oh well. I figured that it wasnt a big deal because we were supposed to meet up the next morning.

(blow off #2)
This morning I got a text message saying that J was really tired this morning and needed more sleep - but that she would be there later. Well later came and went and by the time she woke up (if she had showered and come over) we would have only gotten to see each other for about an hour. This is the text I got that officially meant she was blowing me off.
J 1/30/2008 9:38 am - I am sorry slow moving today - major muscle spasms in my chest - i do not want to blow u off - it might be 1030- 1100 b4 i could get there. So should i still come or do u want me to come straight from class tomorrow? My class is over @ 945 - so i could be to u by 1030 - i do not want to hurt u or blow u off - i also know u need to be @ work - let me know what u are thinking
S 1/30/2008 9:40 am - Its up to u... If u want to come over for a bit then come on over...if u want to wait till tomorrow then thats fine too. I dont want u to be in pain
J 1/30/2008 9:41 am - I dont want to disappoint you
S 1/30/2008 9:41 am - U tell me what u want to do....whatever that is is ok with me
J 1/30/2008 9:45 am - Well @ this point i cant even get into the bathroom to take a shower p is in there - so maybe tomorrow 1 becuz i am in pain & 2 becuz i would like to spend more than an hour with you

Frau Farbissina comes to mind at this point with her line - "Lies...all lies!!"

Another lesbian stereotype

Lesbians and their ex's.....ah who knew I would subscribe to so many stereotypes!

ok so Im going to do the readers digest condensed version of events.

Friday - Told P and J that I was bailing on dinner after waking up there that morning because I was starting to get frustrated with P and wanted to see J more and more (I decided I needed space). K called in the evening and I answered. I went up to visit her ....because.....well 1. I wanted to and 2. she told me she was going to jail. She begged me to stay the night - I wouldnt stay in Lawrence so she came home with me.

Saturday - Woke up with K and went back up to the north shore where I puttered around with her shopping and doing other things till about 1pm. I came home and went to my best friends baby shower (cute but boring after the first hour). I was hoping to have dinner with J but that didnt pan out so I went back up to Lawrence to get K.

baby shower theme

Sunday - Woke up with K again and spent a nice relaxing day. Things are VERY loving and its very very different - I wonder if things will stay that way. She keeps telling me things are so different and that the last 2 weeks have really opened her eyes. I told her she has to learn to treat me like I deserve to be treated and that she has treated me horribly up till now.

Monday - Woke up with K and she dropped me off at work. K took the car to go to the post office in Chelmsford to try and get her mail stopped and she to see her niece who is in the hospital because she just had a baby. J stopped into work unannounced (probably the nicest surprise Ive had in a very long time) and I stood talking with her for almost an hour. During that time K came by the store to pick up the apartment key. It was weird having them overlap. Made plans with J for Thursday (my day off) and she brought up Wednesday morning (I was shocked - I guess she does want to see me more than I think she does). K picked me up and I went home with her. She and I made dinner then went to bed.

Tuesday - Woke up with K - I was supposed to drop her off at home this morning but didnt because I was too lazy (I didnt want to fight traffic) so I have to go home to night and drop her off. Things kinda slipped back into normal state for a few minutes. I woke up and rolled over and asked her if she minded if I dropped her off tonight and she said to me...I dont want this to be a fight about me going home. I immediately got rankled...and was like fine not a big deal at all ....lets get up so I can drop you off. No skin off my nose if you want to go home now I was just hoping you wouldnt mind waiting cause I dont want to be late for work. She changed her tune right away then used the excuse that she had just woken up. Interesting. We will see how things go. Got a call from J who saw KT at school this morning and she made J feel bad. I wonder what KT has that I dont. I asked her if we were still on for wednesday morning and she said yes unless I had changed my mind. I told her no I had not changed my mind.

ER

So here I sit in the emergency room yet again. This month has not been good for me. J asked me to ask P to karoke tonight so that the three of us could hang out (not because she wanted to see me but because she wants to alleviate her guilt about P). So I told her I would be there around 10:30pm because she promised me she would be there at 10. Small side note here....K apparently really diminished my confidence in other people because I'm now so afraid that J is going to blow me off that I keep warning her not to. Anyway J didn't show up at P's apartment until 11:15pm. If she hadn't shown up by 11:30pm then I was just going to go home (and yes a large part of me would wish that she would chase me to get me to not be mad at her or hurt by the fact that she didn't show...but an even bigger part of me knows she can't and wouldn't). Well, like I said, she showed and started to get dressed up because KT (someone she had dated that had blown her off) was there (yeah not going to pretend that didn't hurt - jealousy is dangerous please please never forget that).

J's day

Ok so yesterday was a J's day.

I took the day off to spend with her...so she came over at around 11am and we spent all day either on the couch or in bed talking. We started to uhm do naughty things together and she couldn't look at me so I stopped her. I could see guilt was flaring up and consuming her. God she is so different than I thought she was when I first met her. When I first met her I remember thinking that she was really attractive but silly and a little goofy. Plus she was currently in the middle of two relationships and so was I so I didn't think much about her other than I knew I liked her.
Regardless, after I made her stop she got up and said she had to leave. I was a little crushed because that hurts my ego quite a bit. So she left at around 5:15pm and I knew it was almost time for me to go meet my mom for dinner so it wasn't a big deal. At around 6 my dad picked me up from the apartment and about half way to pick up my mom I got this from J:
J 1/23/2008 6:15pm - I hate me - i hate life - it has nothing to do with u - just me
S 1/23/2008 6:16pm - Oh j im so sorry....please dont be sad. Can i do anything to make it better?
Anyway long story short she actually came out to dinner with me and my parents. Dinner went REALLY well surprisingly and J managed to charm my parents. She held my hand under the table and stroked my knee...it was so cute. After dinner she offered me a ride home so I took her up on it hoping to just spend some more time with her. When we got to my apartment I offered her an invitation to come up for a little while...well a little while turned into all night.

I HAVE NOW RECLAIMED MY BED BACK!

Now I just have to figure out how to protect my heart from getting hurt by J.

must share

Ok I know this is stupid but I want to post this just cause I keep reading it and I know at some point I will have to delete it.

J 1/21/2008 2:10pm - So i am fishing for compliments here - why do you find me attractive?
S 1/21/2008 2:11pm - Lol i like how u didnt bs me. You have a very cute face...and theres something about your demeanor i find attractive
J 1/21/2008 2:13pm - what about my hot ass?
S 1/21/2008 2:14pm - Lol i didnt think i needed to mention it...it was a given. So in the spirit of fishing for compliments....im asking u the same question.
J 1/21/2008 2:19pm - Ok fair - u have a sexiness in how u carry yourself. U have a great smile. U let your gentleness come out. And your voice is hot!
J 1/21/2008 2:20pm - I would like to take u to bed
S 1/21/2008 2:22pm - I would like that....I bet youre a pretty amazing lover.

omg omg omg omg

So P brought J into my work. I have kinda always thought that J was attractive...since the first time I met her- No it wasnt her geeky funny quality that I liked but the kinda cute butch thing. I knew I was in trouble because I kept looking for her and trying to get P to bring her around. So our friendship kinda blossomed out from just talking to each other when P was there to talking about P to having our first meet up this morning. The meeting did not have the best intentions....but nothing came of it other than she made me cry and she held me.

Anyway so something new I learned from this morning is that P is in love with me. Not good. I know Im not in love with her. After spending some time with her I just feel this itching need to get away from her...and I KNOW I wasnt in love with her because of that.

The other things Ive been doing is - 1. I went to trivia in JP at James Gate 2. I signed up for a meet up to watch the L word on Sunday 3. I signed up for a lesbian book club on Feb 24th Scarrry.

She left me

I called K yesterday afternoon at around 4 to find out how she was....and when I called she told me she had left me. I ran home quickly to see if it was true and she had packed all of her stuff and moved out on me.

Im heartbroken.

doubts and fears

Sometimes I doubt K is the one for me. There are times I think that I could do so much better than what she gives me. If its not one thing its another with her. Im not 100% sure she is not lying about this whole thing. First it was her foot and now its her head - is she just pill seeking? Shes been on pain pills for as long as Ive known her. A large part of me wants to think that no...once this is done then everything will be fine...but Im not sure anymore.


so I begged for sex the other night. I resolved after that to never ask for sex again.
so ironic that I know I could get laid with P...that I wouldnt even have to ask for it...that she was stroking my knee the other day and making references...but I am at home with K and begging for it.

I vow from this moment on that I will never ask for sex again from K...if she wants it she can ask for it...till then I will just finish on my own.

I already broke one vow the very next night to say no to her when she asks - but my lust was greater than my resolve and I paid for it with lackluster sex.