I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest

but at the same time I almost feel like its the best thing for me.



at least thats how I feel in this 15 min stretch...ask me again in 15 min and I will probably have a different opinion.



So she left....and I think shes actually staying away this time.



She did drugs last night. big shock.



I miss her...but not like I used to. I dont feel like I will die without her. I know I can make it on my own. I havent really even cried about this yet. I dont know if its because I think shes going to come back or if Im really done with our relationship.



I cant be with a drug addict. Even though I love her I have to know when to walk away for me.



I tried though. Damn it if I didn't try.



For a year and a half:

I picked her up when she fell

I rescued her

I fed her

I helped her get on medication for bipolar

I sat in countless emergency rooms till all hours of the morning

I paid for medications

I got up and went to work every day while she sat at home

I missed her when I wasn't with her

I listened to her cry, laugh, and complain

I stayed when she took out anger and frustration on me

I stayed

I blew off friends and family every time she needed me

I hated people for taking advantage of her

I never took advantage of her

and most of all

I loved her no matter what she did



I dont feel like I wasted time but I feel this odd sense of sadness and finality.



I slept at my apartment by myself last night...and I wasnt afraid. I had the puppy - my big bad attack dog.

Be careful what you wish for

Ive been miserable lately. I know it - and if you read anything in my blog....you'll know it too.



Last night K and I got into a fight....about her gambling. She got paid for a landscaping job she did and then bought some scratch tickets. She won...which was good....but then she gambled everything she won away. I got pissed. Shes always complaining that she wants to put money toward the bank or the IRS and then she gambles away any winnings? I just dont get it. It feels like she can never be responsible! I cant handle that anymore.

So when I got home she had packed her stuff and moved out (again). I was ok with it at first....then she called...and turned around and came home (not because I told her to but because it was night time and rainy and she couldn't see to drive). So she came home and we decided to take a trial separation. She was going to go to her mothers house (which has since changed...because her mothers kinda a bitch) but now shes going to a hotel tonight and to a friends house tomorrow.

I want to tell her to come home. I have told her to. She wont.

Im afraid.

for me...for the dog....for us....for her

I guess you should be careful what you wish for....because sometimes the result isn't as easy as you had hoped it would be.

I dont know what Im going to do tonight. I have to go home to let the dog out and feed her but then what? Maybe play some wow and watch tv or try and convince a friend to go out and have dinner. Either way its going to be a long night of crying and heartache.

No sleep....just WOW

I was officially the biggest geek in the south shore of MA on Wednesday night. Officially. I was first in line for the world of warcraft wrath of the lich king expansion at the attleboro best buy. Granted I was only first because I was standing there with 5 guys (all random guys who I didnt know) who let me go first. We waited in line for almost 2 hours in the freezing cold just so we could get the collectors edition. Ok even recounting it now makes me feel like a geek!

blog envy

Ok so Ive started reading a bunch of blogs...and then I re-read mine. pathetic.



I really need to start doing SOMETHING with my life....you know- other than working, watching tv, and playing world of warcraft.



Speaking of which....new expansion comes out tonight! yay! Yes I will be one of those geeks in line at midnight.

Sleepy (again)

are you starting to notice a pattern at my house?

and madness ensues

K went to her mothers house yesterday....and she always stresses her out.



backstory:

K, when she was really into drugs (before I met her), wrote a bunch of bad checks for money for drugs. Now shes freaking out because she believes that she can go to jail for it. Personally I'm a little skeptical of it....it would be her first offence....I think she would get probation (at the worst). Anyway she owes a bank about $700 and she now wants to pay it off.

forward story:
So yesterday when K went up to her moms, her mom started telling her a bunch of different things....none of which were good. First she was telling K that she was going to go to jail and that she was disappointed in her for not paying her bank back. Little does her mom know how much money Ive sacrificed to K for her drug habit and her craziness....so she cant blame me for not wanting to spend MORE money on stuff that dosent affect me. I know that sounded very childish...but the more and more I think about it the less I see K and I lasting. Which brings me to the second thing Ks mom was telling her. She was stressing her out about our age difference...telling her that when K is 60 Ill be 45...and telling her that shes sick all the time so why would I want to be with someone like that. Ks mom was also telling her that she dosent think we'll stay together and that Im going to be the one to leave K. Sigh. Ironic. Sigh. I dont want K to stress out about it. I do love her...but I dont see us spending the rest of our lives together.

A phrase I wrote a little while ago keeps running through my head...
"Shes always sick, always hurting, never working....I cant support the both of us for the rest of my life. I wont do it. Im only 25."

So the ironic part about volunteering at GLAD...is that they havent called yet. Do you think they figured out my intentions werent completely pure?

Decision

So I think in some strange far reach of my mind I have come to a decision.

I know I love K...but I know I will not stay with her forever.
Ive been thinking long and hard about it and I know I wasnt meant to be with her. I will bide my time for now because I dont know if 1. I can be alone 2. I can make it on my own and 3. what I would do with the puppy. So yes...my desire to volunteer in the LGBT community is not 100% selfless...its partly to be able to meet people...and maybe meet THE person.

And so I bide my time.

Ok so work is CRAZY busy today....and Im not sure why! Go home people! Im sick and I dont feel like dealing with you!

New blog title....maybe

Ok so Ive been doing some thinking about my blog caption...my life in lesbian drama chronicled... however.... I dont have any gay friends.... the only lesbian drama that I have is with my girlfriend...

Perhaps I need to think of a new caption....

here are the leaders so far:

my boring life
yawn
Im bored at work so this is what I do to pass time
run now...dont read any further....for the love of god
I think Im talking to myself here

Yay Obama...Boo CA

Ok so first off....

YAY OBAMA!

I admit it. I was really really sick on Monday so I didnt vote. I left work early...went home...found out I was on the inactive list to vote...and fell into a dayquil stupor on my couch. I know. Im the scum of the earth for not voting....but everything worked out the way I wanted so I guess its ok in the end. Yay taxes, Boo greyhound racing, Yay pot! heh - kinda funny.

And what in the hell is CA thinking?! Come on...seriously? Did the gays just not leave the house to vote? Was it raining so the queens thought they would melt? what happened?!
I was talking to a gay co-worker and we were discussing CA...and he brought up a good point. If we are re-voting and taking things back....are we going to re-vote on slavery? What about on the right for women to vote? Hell....why dont we start from scratch and vote on EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE!
So the CA marriage issue scared me enough that I decided to sign up to volunteer at GLAD. I did it late last night so I havent heard anything yet...but I dont know how K will feel about this. We will see. Then again...everytime Ive signed up to volunteer with anything LGBT related...no one has ever gotten back to me.

Ive found in the past 2 years that the LGBT community is very shut off. Its almost impossible to get into the community unless you know someone and become close to them. In 2 years I still havent managed to find any gay friends.
Isnt that kinda sad?
maybe its just me.

Sleepy