Do you ever have a fight that you know you won? The other person may never say it but you know you won. Everything you said was just right and the way you ended it (on your terms) was perfect. I had that last night.
K and I have been fighting about money. She complains that nothing of hers is getting paid...I tell her that shes expensive and that we are doing our best. She complains still. So I told her fine that we will split everything from now on and everything she gets from her check she can go spend in whatever way she wants and Ill take my left over money and spend it the way I want.
----little back story on this-----
before we went away on vacation I mentioned that I had saved $600 out of my big comission check to put towards a new tv. Ive had tv envy lately and I feel the severe need to fix this. So we were on the way to ptown when she hits me with..."well since we're putting all our money together I think we should put that $600 towards paying off my bank". Ummm ok. Another small piece of history for you. When K was with one of her ex's she started writing bad checks to places in order to get money for drugs. She owes a banking institution around $600 because of this. Now maybe Im being selfish...or maybe stubborn because of all the money Ive already paid towards her drug habbit....but I dont feel as if I should have to take money that I worked really hard for and pay back a drug habit I never had. Needless to say our vacation was ruined because I told her no. She was pissy the whole time and so was I.
So weve been fighting since then about money. I cant trust her with money. Everytime she gets money in her pocket she does drugs. Every time she comes crawling back to me she promises me she will never do it again, never fight with me about money again, never give me a hard time about not trusting me, and yet here we are - back in the cycle. Im tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the checking up on her, tired of the lies, the anger, the hurt, the pain, tired of being uncomfortable at home when shes mad, tired, tired, tired, tired.
Last night I got home and we hadnt spoken all day. I went into the bathroom when I got home and soaked my feet in the tub. It relaxes me usually and my feet hurt from standing for 10 hours. I got out of the bathroom and K was sitting in front of the tv in the living room (where I might add...she spends ALL day EVERY day). So I took a sleeping pill (that I bought on my ride home....which took twice the time it usually did because I was trying to stall going home) and read an amazing blog that I found (Ill post the link later). So K come into the doorway and says that I can go into the living room if I want and she will come into the bedroom. I tell her (in a monotone voice) no thanks Im fine where I am. She says who are you texting (I was reading the blog on my new iphone) I say no one. She dosent believe me. She yells backs at me from the hallway to the living room - I hope that whoever your texting is worth it. Whatever Im done. Im tired.
She comes in a few more times and talks about splitting up. I keep telling her I just dont care. Im to the point where I JUST DONT CARE! I almost want to scream it at her. I want to cry. I dont. I keep my voice very monotone. She says she dosent trust me to give her money if she wants to leave. I tell her I dont trust her with money period. Finally she said she wants money tonight. Fine. I leave and go to the bank. When I was leaving she was picking at me again. Right before I left we started bickering back and forth and somehow it came out that she said....so what do you want me to leave? And I said no I want you to change and I closed the door. It just felt right. Like Id ended it the way I wanted to. ya know? I take the $200 out of my main account that was supposed to sustain me for the week till friday. I bring it back and place it on the kitchen table and go back to my sanctuary. My bedroom.
2 hours go by and that sleeping pill dosent hit. I manage to take a trip to the kitchen to get the rest of the pills and take one more. I read till my eyes close and then manage to crawl out of bed long enough to plug my phone in.
Its the weirdest feeling. Im restless but moving is an effort....Im concious of my surroundings but still seems exhausted...my mind is running but Im almost asleep.
Then K come in and shuts off the light and turns on the ac. Im too cold for that. I pull myself up and shut off the ac. The dark is oppressive. I fall back asleep.
Time goes by
K come in and gets into bed with me and snuggles up to me. I know Ive won. In that instant I knew I had won. That is her way of apologizing. It took almost 2 days.
Pick Me Up.
4 years ago
