Words of Wisdom

Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.

Ptown

Ok so its about this time of year....each year....that I miss ptown.

I know I havent been there much - but I want to go and I want to go now!

Maybe its the snow that makes me yearn for the warmer weather....and the beach....


Perhaps I have this rosie view of ptown, like I do of most vacation spots. Yet still thinking about it Ive never had a really really good experience in ptown. First time there was with my parents when I was 14. Then with my best friend in high school. Both of these first 2 visit were pre-coming-out. Next was the summer before last....an overnight stay with Kelly...which ended in a fight. Then an overnight stay with P. That one didnt end up in a fight...but in a 4 hour traffic trip home - through which I had to pee and met K at the apartment right after I got home. Last ptown trip was this past summer with K. While there we invited my ex JP and his current girlfriend to come spend a few days with us (weird I know but that part was actually fun). K was in a pissy mood that whole last trip so it wasnt really fun for me.

all in all Im not really sure why I want to go to ptown so bad all of a sudden....I just know that I do.

Thanksgiving

I remember when thanksgiving was at my house
and my sister was the youngest one there

I would come down in my pjs
eat my dinner then hide upstairs in my room again

Dinner was quiet
almost to the point of being uncomfortable

My mom put out the good china
the kind that cant go in the dishwasher when dinner is done

Years have passed
and quiet thanksgivings are no more

My cousins have had kids
as seems to be the way things grow and change

I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest

but at the same time I almost feel like its the best thing for me.



at least thats how I feel in this 15 min stretch...ask me again in 15 min and I will probably have a different opinion.



So she left....and I think shes actually staying away this time.



She did drugs last night. big shock.



I miss her...but not like I used to. I dont feel like I will die without her. I know I can make it on my own. I havent really even cried about this yet. I dont know if its because I think shes going to come back or if Im really done with our relationship.



I cant be with a drug addict. Even though I love her I have to know when to walk away for me.



I tried though. Damn it if I didn't try.



For a year and a half:

I picked her up when she fell

I rescued her

I fed her

I helped her get on medication for bipolar

I sat in countless emergency rooms till all hours of the morning

I paid for medications

I got up and went to work every day while she sat at home

I missed her when I wasn't with her

I listened to her cry, laugh, and complain

I stayed when she took out anger and frustration on me

I stayed

I blew off friends and family every time she needed me

I hated people for taking advantage of her

I never took advantage of her

and most of all

I loved her no matter what she did



I dont feel like I wasted time but I feel this odd sense of sadness and finality.



I slept at my apartment by myself last night...and I wasnt afraid. I had the puppy - my big bad attack dog.

Be careful what you wish for

Ive been miserable lately. I know it - and if you read anything in my blog....you'll know it too.



Last night K and I got into a fight....about her gambling. She got paid for a landscaping job she did and then bought some scratch tickets. She won...which was good....but then she gambled everything she won away. I got pissed. Shes always complaining that she wants to put money toward the bank or the IRS and then she gambles away any winnings? I just dont get it. It feels like she can never be responsible! I cant handle that anymore.

So when I got home she had packed her stuff and moved out (again). I was ok with it at first....then she called...and turned around and came home (not because I told her to but because it was night time and rainy and she couldn't see to drive). So she came home and we decided to take a trial separation. She was going to go to her mothers house (which has since changed...because her mothers kinda a bitch) but now shes going to a hotel tonight and to a friends house tomorrow.

I want to tell her to come home. I have told her to. She wont.

Im afraid.

for me...for the dog....for us....for her

I guess you should be careful what you wish for....because sometimes the result isn't as easy as you had hoped it would be.

I dont know what Im going to do tonight. I have to go home to let the dog out and feed her but then what? Maybe play some wow and watch tv or try and convince a friend to go out and have dinner. Either way its going to be a long night of crying and heartache.

No sleep....just WOW

I was officially the biggest geek in the south shore of MA on Wednesday night. Officially. I was first in line for the world of warcraft wrath of the lich king expansion at the attleboro best buy. Granted I was only first because I was standing there with 5 guys (all random guys who I didnt know) who let me go first. We waited in line for almost 2 hours in the freezing cold just so we could get the collectors edition. Ok even recounting it now makes me feel like a geek!

blog envy

Ok so Ive started reading a bunch of blogs...and then I re-read mine. pathetic.



I really need to start doing SOMETHING with my life....you know- other than working, watching tv, and playing world of warcraft.



Speaking of which....new expansion comes out tonight! yay! Yes I will be one of those geeks in line at midnight.